Most of us enjoy the amazing music of Prince, but that’s pretty as much as we know about him. What does he do on a daily basis? There’s no way he checks his email, watches Netflix, and goes to Wendy’s like the rest of us. So what does a day in the life of Prince look like? I’m guessing a little something like this:

5:00 AM

Prince is awoken from his sleep chamber room when a part of his bed sneezes. His bed is made entirely of former beauty pageant winners that wrap themselves in tempurpedic material and hum softly until Prince falls asleep.

7:00 AM

During a light breakfast, Prince gets a little bored and creates a musical instrument based on the chirping of a sparrow. He masters it and destroys the prototype so no one else will ever hear it.

7:30 AM

He has an idea for a song but refuses to write it on anything other than the teeth of a former Secretary of State. When none can be found on such short notice he decides to write it on his own teeth, but when he brushes them it get erased. He says it was a really good one, too.

8:30 AM

For the next half hour Prince watches YouTube videos of people firing off homemade cannons. He sobs uncontrollably, but no one really knows why. If anyone asks what’s wrong, they’re asked to leave and never come back.

9:00 AM

This is the morning fashion show. Every morning Prince has eight world-class designers show him the most elegant gown they’ve ever created. He then walks up and tears pieces off each one to make his outfit for the day.

11:00 AM

After he’s dressed he spends the next hour lining up valuable bottles of wine in front of a camcorder. He doesn’t drink the wine. Instead, he opens each one and pours it onto the floor while staring directly into the camera. There’s a room in his house that’s nothing but these tapes. He has thousands of them.

12:00 Noon

Prince has a hot dog for lunch, but it’s made by a dog that was trained as a master chef. Instead of using bread, Prince has a Picasso painting that the dog rips off a small square from each day to use as the bun. So far Prince has eaten two complete Picasso paintings.

1:00 PM

After lunch, Prince likes to eat a single vanilla ice cream cone, but he makes two assistants make a tiny swing and put the ice cream cone in it. Then they have to rock it back and forth, letting him have a single lick each time. He never smiles throughout the process.

1:30 PM

Prince gets in a hot air balloon in his yard, but is a little scared of heights so he just makes a bunch of people carry him around and make sounds like the wind. When he “lands” they all have to cheer.

3:00 PM

For the next hour to hour and a half, he has his driver take him around town. He tells them he wants to be discreet, but the car is purple and, when the windows are rolled up, there’s an image of his face on each side. If you honk the horn it says, “PRIIIIIIIIINCE.”

4:30 PM

He gets back home and goes out to his pool. He doesn’t like to actually get in the pool, so he has someone else get in and tells him what to do. It’s mainly just things like, “splash around” and “try to touch the bottom” but he thinks it’s the greatest thing ever.

6:00 PM

At six Prince will slip out to his backyard and throw rocks at pigeons for about half an hour. He never hits them. Then he’ll get on the shoulders of one of his bodyguards and find their eggs in a tree. He won’t damage them, but he’ll say really hurtful things and hold his middle fingers up in front of them for quite some time. He really hates pigeons.

7:00 PM

He’ll come inside and go into a room that is empty except for a chair and a phone. He’ll prank call a bunch of celebrities, but they always know it’s him because as soon as they answer he’ll say, “This is Prince. Is your refrigerator running?” Then he laughs hysterically.

8:00 PM

Prince usually sneaks into a zoo after hours and does a private concert for the animals. They don’t really know what’s going on, but he claims they’re the only ones that really understand true art.

10:00 PM

Before Prince goes to bed he likes to read a single page from Judy Blume’s book Super Fudge. While he reads it, a group of models have to act out the scenes. When he’s finished they have to come over and blow in his hair until he gets sleepy. He has to get plenty of rest for another big day tomorrow.

Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.