Hey Boys,

I know you’re here to check out chicks, but can we talk about your dicks for just a minute? I’m going to be totally honest with you: I love a good dick. Like I really, really love ‘em.

I’m definitely what heteronormative patriarchal society would call a “turbo slut.” Contrary to what you might think, I find nothing shameful or demeaning about that term because one, all it means is that I happen to enjoy sex (so shocking for a human being, right?) and two, it’s not being hurled at me as an insult from some scrub in a lifted F-150.

To be clear, just because I’m calling myself a slut that doesn’t make it okay for you to call me, or any other woman, a slut. As a general rule of thumb, unless a slur has been personally used against you, it’s best keep your mouth shut. But I digress.

I think the only thing I might love more than a good dick is sexting. So I’m here to help you, myself, and all my fellow turbo sluts out by offering you a few pointers. At this point, I’m sort of a dick pic expert. I even threw a gallery show featuring the hundreds I’ve amassed over the years. (Unsolicited DPs only ‘cause I’d never share the private photos of someone I’ve actually had consensual sex with. Also to clarify, not all 200 were sent to me. That would be fucking horrifying.)

So what makes a good dick pic? How do you achieve DP perfection? And most importantly, what does your dick pic say about you? Follow these simple handy rules to find out, and hopefully, you’ll be consensually sexting up a storm in no time.


RULE 1: CONSENT IS KEY.
Let’s start off with some seemingly simple knowledge here: Most girls (not all ‘cause we shouldn’t make sweeping generalizations) but most girls, don’t want to see your dick in 2D unless they’ve already seen it IRL. Contrary to what you might think, this even applies to the sluttiest amongst us. If we’ve already hooked up, then yeah, let’s sext all day long, but before that happens it can come off as desperate and weird.

There is nothing worse than thinking you might like a guy only for him to bomb your phone with an up-close pic of his shaft. Nothing makes us run faster to our best friend’s inbox than a creepy pic from some dude we’ve gone on one date with. You could’ve had a shot at IRL intercourse, but you ruined it. I know this might be a novel concept for some, but before you toss a pic of your cock into the ether, make sure she actually wants to see it, okay?

And guys, if you’re just using your penis as a “Hey, What’s up, Hello” on Tindr, then congratulations: You’re a sexual predator. You know those creepy trench coat-wearing subway flashers you’ve read about? By sending that pic without her okay, you just essentially did the exact same thing. Re-evaluate your approach.

RULE 2: DON’T BE A DICK.
If you ask her and she says no thanks, don’t send it anyway! And please for the love of god, don’t call her a “fat-faced cum dumpster that you never even wanted to fuck” (that’s a direct quote, by the way) because more than just being mean, it’s confusing AF.

It’s downright shocking to me how many men have the tendency to turn hostile when rejected. If you fall into this category, remember, you’re the one who wanted her to see your dick, so either she underwent Veruca Salt-levels of bloating in the last 15 seconds or more likely, your ego took a hit and your instinct was to take it out on her. Strive to be better.

RULE 3: DIFFERENT RULES DON’T APPLY TO “SLUTTY” GIRLS.
This one extends far beyond the dick pic. Let’s talk about promiscuous women and why some of you might feel a bit more inclined to forgo my rules and just send a sweet genital shot anyway ‘cause ya know, “she’s down.”

I get it; it’s confusing. I’m a self-proclaimed floozy. I put naked pics on Instagram, I’m a dick pic artist, I’m writing about sex for Playboy as we speak – I must be totally DTF right? A dick pic shouldn’t bother me. Wrong.

Despite the facts I proudly wave the slut flag, you’ve already seen my tits, and you’ve heard me say “I love dick,” I don’t necessarily want to fuck yours. Many feel entitled to bodies just because they are on display, but that’s not how it works.

This is a problem myself and many other women run into a lot, especially when online dating. And fuck if you checked my DMs: Well, it’s an avalanche of harassment, and believe it or not, that’s what sending unsolicited pics of your genitalia is: sexual harassment. Don’t be that guy. Nobody likes that guy.

RULE 4: BE SMART WHEN USING PROPS FOR SCALE.
So you want to spice it up, and a solo penis with no context can look a little lonely. Maybe it’s hard to tell how massive your dick is without that can of Pringles next to it, but some of the prop choices you boys make are more than a little baffling to me. An empty toilet paper roll – really? That is arguably the least sexy thing in your house. Do you really want us to imagine you shitting while we are looking at your cock?

I’ve seen lots of remote controls, which is fine but a little lazy in my opinion. Like, I get it you enjoy TV and masturbating. Cool, me too. At least now I know we have that in common.

But the ones that will never cease to amaze me are the dudes who try to trick you. Now guys, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about here. The miniature soda cans, the airplane bottles of booze: It’s like you think my brain cannot comprehend the difference between a miniature and full-size can of Coke. It’s just insulting, really.

If your end goal really is to fuck, then guess what? I’m eventually going to find out exactly how big (or small) your dick is. Expect more from yourself. We certainly do.

RULE 5: TIT PICS ARE JUST DIFFERENT.
Let’s address a sentiment I hear a lot: “Well, women send naked pics all the time and you don’t hear us complaining!”

There is a very clear difference between me sending a pic of my tits no one asked for, and you sending a pic of your dick that no one asked for. Call it a double standard, but it’s like believing in reverse racism. I’m not saying that a white person can’t feel persecuted because of their race, and I’m not saying that a woman can’t sexually harass a man. But more often than not, it’s just not the same thing. It’s not the same thing because it’s not an action rooted in thousands of years of systemic oppression.

Women don’t (usually) scream obscenities at you as they drive by, or whisper in your ear all the disgusting things they’d like to do as you walk past them. You probably weren’t taught as a child to go to the bathroom in packs for fear of being assaulted (yeah, that’s often why we do that, by the way), and you probably don’t hold your keys in between your fingers like little knives when you go to your car at night.

So when you get an aggro unsolicited pic, your first thought isn’t assault. Ours is, and that’s the difference. Respect this, respect us, and respect yourself.

RULE 6: THE ANGLE MATTERS.
To that point, what’s up with all the taint shots? Just like straight pics of your perineum?! That is not what I signed up for. It’s an easy angle: You just put your phone down, lift your dick up, click-boom, done, but the result is not exactly hot. Give us some body, some chest, some flexed arm…anything, really.

I’m not saying the penis isn’t sexy on its own, but much like the vagina, a little bod doesn’t hurt. Trust, I’m not out here sending close-up spread labia shots to dudes either. Everybody likes a little context. Give the people what they want.

RULE 7: FOLLOW UP.
Let’s bring this thing full circle, back up and around to Rule 1 of acquiring consent and what that looks like moving forward.

You don’t need to ask permission every single time before sending a dick pic, especially if you have begun a consensual sexting relationship, but read the room. If you haven’t talked in weeks, if she’s being distant, a surprise picture of your foreskin with a post-it that says “Hi!” on it, probably isn’t going to help (also a true story). The fact that she agreed to sex, or sexting, once does not automatically entitle you to a lifetime of it.

So in conclusion: Make sure she wants to see it, don’t be rude if she doesn’t, use something for scale if you so desire but choose wisely, give us some context, and remember, even though you’re sending a picture of your dick, that doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

And P.S. Sorry for how heteronormative this article is, but I’m not a gay man and the rules of dick pic-sharing in that community are far beyond my comprehension.