Your bag is empty.
Perhaps you’ve heard about Shane Gillis’s “Saturday Night Live” monologue. On Oct. 10, the comedian hosted “SNL,” delivering a seven-minute monologue that quickly went viral. But the reaction to the controversial comic’s speech wasn’t exactly all laughs. His jokes about women left many wondering if he’d actually ever met one in real life.
Here’s the transcript of the gym section of Gillis’s monologue:
Going to the public gym as a fat guy, especially in New York, is a nightmare, dude. It’s just the hottest gay guys you’ve ever seen. They’re jacked and they look at me like, “Yeah, right. I know, dude.” Also, I haven’t been to the gym in so long. I didn’t know women just dressed like whores now.
Look, I’m sorry, there’s no other way to describe… Have you seen it? I’ve seen it. The shorts. Have you seen the shorts? They’re like artificial-bait colored. And the wrinkles—the wrinkles go like around the cheeks and all combine at the butthole. And don’t look. You’re not allowed to look. For real, don’t look, because they are filming. I’m in the background of like 10 TikToks right now.
Celebrities have spoken out against the monologue, including actor Dan Levy, who posted a response that has gone viral itself.
“I’m speechless that something like that can exist on live national television,” Levy said in a video posted to Instagram. “More men need to be standing up in opposition to it because it’s complacency that has created the environment in which women are sexually assaulted and it’s a ‘conversation’ as opposed to a ‘crime.’”
Gillis—who was fired from “SNL” in 2019 after past racial and homophobic slurs surfaced—covered all the hits in his speech, talking about his “big, fat, bitch sisters,” saying he “balded directly into an Adolf Hitler haircut,” and other groan-inducing lines. But it was the line about women that drew the most ire. Perhaps it’s not his entirely Gillis’s fault that his jokes sparked so much backlash. Maybe the blame lies with “SNL.” Famously, men are just not that funny!
Because you can’t send a man in to do a woman’s job, we tapped Madison Sinclair, the comedian behind some of your favorite jokes from “The Roast of Kevin Hart,” to punch up Gillis’s jokes. She wrote some better, funnier versions of the punchlines in Gillis’s monologue, but before we get to that, she’d like a word: “I’d like to start by saying, I know trying to write better jokes than Shane Gillis will upset a lot of people but it sounded like a fun exercise. Shane, an exercise is…”
And without further ado, here are Sinclair’s edits to the gym section of Gillis’s monologue:
Going to the gym in New York is a nightmare. It’s just the hottest gay guys you’ve ever seen, the women are half naked, the drinks are overpriced. It feels less like a gym and more like a gay bar… just with way more gay sex. If you’ve ever tried to use the sauna, you know what I’m talking about.
Have you seen the way women are dressing at the gym? They’re dressed like whores. Either that, or the women I’m paying for sex are dressed like they are prepared to power lift.
I needed a spot, but you can’t ask women to spot you when you look like me. I look like someone women only spot in a police lineup.
You’re welcome, Shane!
