The holidays are already complicated. Throw sex into the mix and the season can feel all the more impossible to navigate. Fortunately, our latest Playboy Advisor is here to help. This month, renowned sex educator Shan Boodram is here to answer your burning questions on holiday hookups, hot mother-in-laws and taking your Fleshlight home to your parents’ house. 

I’m going home to meet my girlfriend’s family for the holidays, and we’re staying at her parents’ house. Is it inappropriate for me to try and smash while we’re there? Or should I wait until we’re home?

It’s definitely not inappropriate for consenting adults in a private space to smash. That part is fine. The real question isn’t should you, it’s under what conditions does this actually make sense.

There are a lot of variables you won’t know until you’re there. How thin are the walls? How comfortable is your partner with the possibility that her parents might hear something? Are you both exhausted from travel, overfed from holiday meals, or up late playing games and talking? Without a crystal ball, you won’t know until you’re in the environment.

What is important, no matter what happens later, is setting the tone that you’re going home with your partner, not your buddy. One way to do that is through what I like to call PDF: Public Displays of Fondness. I say PDF instead of PDA because people immediately think of heavy petting or awkward make-outs. PDF is subtler. It’s the small gestures that signal intimacy and care. A hand in the small of her back. Leaning into her when she makes a joke. A kiss on the cheek. Offering to grab her plate or refill her drink.

Those gestures do two things at once. They affirm your relationship publicly in a respectful way, and they quietly build intimacy privately. A lot of people underestimate this, but foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts hours earlier, in how you show up together. So use PDF to feel things out. Notice how your partner responds. Notice the vibe in the house. If the moment comes later and it feels comfortable, great. If not, you’ve still reinforced connection and desire, which counts for a lot!

This sucks, but I recently ran into a friend of my ex-girlfriend’s at a party, and we made out. I thought we’d both regret it, but she’s been liking my Stories on Instagram. Is this fair game…or would I be a total dick?

This is uncomfortable, but it’s also very human. Research on homophily shows that people tend to be attracted to others within the same social circles because shared values, humor, and norms are already pre-vetted. In other words, liking someone your ex liked or befriended isn’t random or shady by default. It’s predictable human behavior.

That said, attraction isn’t the same thing as ethics. What complicates this isn’t the kiss. It’s the social fallout. Studies on social network overlap and relational trust show that romantic actions inside shared friend groups tend to feel more violating because they threaten group stability, not just individual feelings. This is why people often experience stronger emotional reactions to “friend-adjacent” hookups than to strangers.

There’s also a well-documented effect called misattribution of arousal, where novelty, secrecy, and mild transgression amplify desire. The thrill you’re feeling right now may have less to do with real compatibility and more to do with the excitement of doing something slightly forbidden. Once things are out in the open, that intensity often drops fast.

So is it “fair game”? Technically, yes. Your ex doesn’t control you. But socially and emotionally, this is one of those moments where living in the light matters. If you respect your ex at all, the cleanest move is to own it. A simple acknowledgment like, “I should’ve said something before that happened,” goes a long way. You’re not asking permission, you’re signaling integrity.

If you tell the truth and decide to proceed anyway, you’ll do so knowing the likely consequences. And if being honest makes the whole thing feel less exciting, that’s useful information. It suggests the draw wasn’t the connection. It was the secrecy.

We all know attraction happens, but character shows up in how you handle the aftermath. Let honesty be the filter that tells you whether this is actually worth it.

Is it wrong if I occasionally fantasize about my wife’s mother? She looks great—and she looks just like my wife, so I feel like it’s fine! But maybe I’m a creep?

Short answer: you’re not a creep. You’re human.

Sexual fantasy research consistently shows that fantasies are symbolic, not literal. Studies find that people often fantasize about scenarios or people they would never want to act on in real life. Fantasies frequently borrow familiar features like body type, facial resemblance, or emotional safety and remix them into something novel. In your case, the resemblance matters more than the person. Your brain is responding to familiarity and attraction, not to an actual desire to cross a real-world boundary.

Fantasy is a core part of healthy sexuality. Research shows it can increase arousal, reduce stress, and enhance sexual satisfaction precisely because it stays in the realm of imagination. Many fantasies lose their appeal or become uncomfortable if acted on, which supports the idea that their power comes from distance, not fulfillment.

The only real risk here is letting shame turn a neutral thought into something heavier than it needs to be. As long as you recognize the fantasy for what it is, keep it private, and have zero intention of acting on it, it’s harmless.

Your brain is your biggest sexual organ. It’s creative, sometimes weird, sometimes inconvenient, and often surprising. That doesn’t make you broken or dangerous. It makes you normal.

Fantasies are not confessions. They’re mental play. You’re allowed to have them without putting them on trial.

I’d love to buy my girlfriend something sexy for Christmas—but I’m a little worried that I’ll pick out something cheesy. Any recommendations?

As long as the gift is from the heart I’m sure it won’t seem cheesy. But if it’s a gift from a different body part that’s a very valid fear, because “sexy gifts” can slide into novelty or gimmick territory fast. The safest rule of thumb is people feel most desired when a gift reflects thoughtfulness and attunement. In other words, sexy doesn’t come from how revealing something is, it comes from how intentional it feels. If you want something that’s sensual but not cringey, one option is my jewelry line Kama, which I created in collaboration with sex educator Seema Anand. The collection is inspired by the Kama Sutra, not as a performance manual, but as a reminder that pleasure is learned, embodied, and worthy of attention. Each of the six pieces corresponds to a specific Kama Sutra position and is designed to be worn during sex. It’s not just decorative. It’s functional. The jewelry acts as both adornment and invitation, encouraging women to move their bodies with intention and prioritize their own pleasure. That lands very differently than “I bought you something sexy because I want to look at you.”

You can learn more about the collection at surmeyi.com/kama.

My partner and I were invited by another couple to a holiday-themed sex party. I guess I don’t have to be all that concerned with what to wear, but I’m honestly more concerned about etiquette. If they bring us, do you think they’re expecting us to play with them?

This isn’t a baby shower where there are a bunch of unsaid rules and even if it were, wouldn’t life be easier if we all asked, “what expectations come with this invitation?” I digress, but especially when it comes to sex parties you’re allowed to ask. In fact, asking is good etiquette.

Explicit expectations reduce anxiety and prevent boundary violations. People feel safer and have better experiences when assumptions are replaced with clear, upfront conversations. So rather than guessing what’s expected, the most respectful move is to clarify. You can do this subtly:

“We want the night to go well, and this is new for us. What should we expect, and what do you usually do when you’re there?”

Or more blunt, “Hey we’d love to come and we’re new to these so we might have lots of questions. Like, does this invitation to go together also mean we’d all be having sex together?”

The goal is to have a good time, so that might mean some slightly awkward conversations upfront. Which, all things considered isn’t too heft of a price to pay for the chance to experience something interesting with people you trust.

I recently got a Fleshlight and, well, now I basically can’t masturbate without it. I’m debating packing it in my suitcase when I visit my parents for Christmas. Is there any reason I shouldn’t?

Short answer: Don’t pack it. Not because the Fleshlight is bad, but because your body may be getting a little too good at one very specific kind of stimulation.

Through a process called stimulus-specific conditioning, your nervous system learns to associate orgasm with a particular pressure, rhythm, texture, or intensity. This is the same mechanism studied in vibrator reliance research, where frequent use of high-intensity, patterned stimulation can temporarily reduce responsiveness to other forms of touch. It’s not damage. It’s training.

The good news is that this conditioning is reversible. Thanks to neuroplasticity, sensory pathways adapt when you change inputs. Studies on sexual response show that when people vary stimulation or take breaks from a single dominant stimulus, sensitivity and responsiveness to other forms of touch return over time. That’s why clinicians often recommend rotating stimulation types rather than eliminating toys altogether.

If you find you “can’t” masturbate without it right now, that’s useful information. It suggests your body has learned a shortcut, not that something is wrong. Taking a short break and experimenting with hands, water, fantasy, slower pacing, or even removing orgasm as the goal can help re-expand your arousal range. 

My girlfriend reads a ton of those smutty novels on her Kindle, but our real-life sex life is practically non-existent. If I were reading that stuff all day I imagine I’d be pretty horny. Or maybe she’s not horny because she’s reading smut all day? I don’t want to shame her or anything, but something’s gotta give.

Gen Z and younger millennials are consuming erotic fiction at historically high rates. Publishing data and sociological research point to smut as a low-barrier, private, and socially safer way for women to explore desire in a culture that still polices female sexuality. Erotic fiction is often “protected” in discourse because it’s framed as imagination, agency, and narrative-driven fantasy, whereas visual porn is more frequently critiqued for objectification, exploitation, and its effects on arousal conditioning. That distinction matters, but it doesn’t make smut immune from unhealthy use.

All that aside, I can tell you that it’s not going to help to frame your curiosity around your mismatched libidos around her reading habits. That turns a dialogue into an accusation and tends to activate defensiveness and shame, which are both desire killers. The most effective approach is exactly what you’re already circling: lead with connection, not correction. You might say something like, “I miss being close to you. When we’re intimate, I feel more connected and relaxed with you, and I want more of that. I also want to understand what intimacy feels like for you right now.”

Research on long-term desire shows that couples who talk about sex as a shared emotional experience rather than a frequency problem are more likely to rebuild it. Asking open-ended questions invites collaboration instead of positioning you as competing with a Kindle.

My wife and I are ready to try something new, but role-playing feels so… not me. I can’t take it seriously. I love that my wife is sharing her fantasies with me, but actually acting them out is just not coming to me naturally. Do I just need to get over myself?

You don’t need to get over yourself, but you may need to rethink what role-playing actually is. Role play doesn’t have to mean putting on a costume or pretending to be someone you’re not. From a psychological perspective, erotic novelty is less about new characters and more about accessing different states of self. Human desire responds strongly to contrast. When sex feels new, it’s often because we’ve shifted energy, not identity.What many people are really reaching for when they name a “role” is a quality: aggression, tenderness, authority, playfulness, mystery, etc… Those qualities already live inside you. So the invitation doesn’t have to be so literal where you become a pizza delivery guy or a nurse, it may just be encouragement for a less-dominant part of your personality to take the wheel for a session. Arousal increases when familiar experiences are experienced in unfamiliar ways. Slight exaggeration, changed pacing, or a shift in power or tone is often enough to disrupt routine and re-engage desire!

Sex is, at its core, a form of play. And play works best when we loosen our grip on self-consciousness. Taking sex too seriously can actually dampen arousal, while curiosity and experimentation increase it. Allowing yourself to explore a different dimension of who you already are can make sex feel novel without feeling fake.