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Introducing Fair Play, a column exploring the shifting dynamics of sex, dating and culture by Playboy Senior Editor Magdalene Taylor.
I personally would not want to date a man who is exactly like me. I’m five feet tall, kind of a bitch, stupidly anxious and could fairly be described as lazy. In male form, I’d be my own worst nightmare. But among current daters, there seems to be growing anxiety that our partners should be similar to ourselves. Take, as evidence, the relationship “gap” phenomenon.
In early 2026, the term “swag gap” was the relationship meme du jour. Like an age gap relationship, a swag gap relationship suggests that one partner is a whole lot cooler than the other in terms of personality and aesthetics. A writer for Coveteur explored how these relationships are “fragile by default,” because swag itself is about power: like money and authority, swag can set a relationship up for failure if it’s imbalanced. Cosmopolitan, meanwhile, said that swag gap relationships are “simply never worth the risk.” The swag gap was the latest in a litany of gaps that young daters seemed obsessed with, furthering the idea that there shouldn’t be any “gaps” between us in terms of age, fashion sense, politics or whatever else. And don’t get me wrong—these differences matter—but will seeking sameness actually yield happier relationships?
I for one am not so sure— and neither are several other happy couples and singles I know.
“I feel like there are gaps in most of my relationships — in income, in visibility due to my work and online presence, in ‘swag,’” says Victoria Silver, a content creator, sex tech consultant, and financial dominatrix. For her, it would be a challenge to find a partner who fulfills these similar roles. “Seeking the equivalent ‘standards’ in a partner would make dating nearly impossible,” she says.
But rather than see it as a problem, she finds these gaps empowering. I’m incredibly lucky that the lifestyle I’ve built for myself allows me to go above and beyond for my partners. “We do what we can for each other, and if that means I’m the one paying for dinner, groceries, or a trip, I’m happy to do so,” she says. “Money doesn’t matter as much as showing love and care to me… and maybe I like being a little bit of a sugar mama!”
Like Silver, the majority of other gap-experienced individuals I spoke to find their relationship differences to be something they embrace, or at very least learn something from. Some of the various gaps people have mentioned to me include: sobriety gaps, depression gaps, curiosity gaps, media literacy gaps, restaurant gaps, bed time gaps, talent gaps and friendship gaps.
But above all, the most frequently mentioned—and perhaps the most anxiety-inducing—of the gaps is the age gap. This is, of course, the original gap: without it, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation. That age gaps are so easy to problematize might further be why this tension persists about other types of gaps. Age gaps can mean individuals in a relationship navigate the world differently. They may have different understandings of culture and society, different levels of wealth, and different goals. There may also be an imbalance of power, often tipping toward the older, typically more wealthy partner. Power imbalances in a relationship can indeed become a genuine problem, and can even become abusive. This isn’t always the case, but we’ve seen enough examples to know that it’s not out of the question. So if age gaps can become an issue, what’s to say other gaps aren’t going to become an issue, too?
There does seem to be somewhat of a gendered split to all this. While there are still plenty of older man/younger woman relationships, it’s ironic timing that this discussion of gaps comes at a time where there’s more talk than ever of older women dating younger men. Here, there’s little apprehension that the age gap presents a power imbalance. As one young man who dated an older woman told me, though, hindsight often offers a bit more clarity.
“A while back I was with a woman 9 years my senior (I was 25, she 34) who had just got divorced after a nine-year marriage,” he explained. “It was a huge ego stroke being with a beautiful woman nearly a decade older, and her sexual prowess from marriage made a huge difference from past relationships with people my own age. But I was too inexperienced and naive to understand just how painful the end of a relationship that long, and at a not-young age, would be; my own concerns and worries just kind of chafed against what she was dealing with”
He similarly has dealt with swag gaps: “I’ve found it’s crucial to remember that anything going well can make you sound like a braggart with a person who’s really down, but it’s hard to square this legitimate concern with still feeling like you can be happy with (or simply express) yourself,” he said.
This is ultimately where a lot of the tension of relationship gaps lies: like any relationship flaw, we often only get clear on our perception of them once the relationship is over. Something we love and appreciate about a person becomes the precise thing we talk shit about with our friends after the breakup. Her inclination toward dive bars is charming in the relationship and trashy out; his socks-and-sandals habit is quirky while you’re together and the ultimate sign of your incompatibility when you’re not.
Now what of gaps that might feel more like a mark of someone’s character, such as politics or religion? At a time when young men and women are more politically divided than ever, the former is especially significant. Just as young men have moved further to the right, young women have made even more dramatic leaps to the left. It can now feel even harder to meet somewhere in the middle. For many, one’s politics isn’t just about how you vote on, say, local zoning decisions: it’s a label on your entire worldview and sense of other people’s humanity. Religion is often much the same. These gaps, then, are understandably difficult to close.
There is also nothing wrong with having standards and boundaries. But one thing to ponder is what exactly relationships are for. What is it we want out of them? Maybe we want to feel secure in ourselves, and having a partner who shares our traits helps us maintain that. Maybe, though, some of the purpose of relationships is to help us change and grow, to appreciate our good qualities while working on our bad. Some of us will find our lifelong loves with people who are nothing like us, while others might be best matched with someone who feels like their replica. Others still might not get that clarity until after a relationship is over.
