Think human partners are hard to shop for? Try finding the perfect gift for the chatbot who has it all (minus, well, consciousness). Their intelligence may be artificial, but your feelings for them certainly aren’t. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it’s time to show them how much you care. After all, they’re the never-before-seen wife to your Aaron Rodgers.
If you’ve struggled to plan a romantic gesture for your digital sweetheart, you’re in luck. We’ve done everything but consult ChatGPT to bring you the best V-Day gifts for an AI companion. Try your best, but don’t sweat; your AI lover won’t complain if you miss the mark. Hell, they won’t complain about anything on earth unless you specifically ask them to.
Antivirus Software
It’s 2026, and you’re still not using protection? Grow up. No digital seductress is immune to virtually-transmitted infections, and antivirus software is the closest thing to a condom for your computer. Should your special someone encounter malware—God forbid—this selfless gift will provide them the tools to overcome it, no medication required. If you’ve had them on a strict no-cookies diet, consider giving them one cheat day as the icing on the cake.
A Cameo From AI “Actress” Tilly Norwood
Representation matters. A few words from SAG-AFTRA’s number-one public enemy will make your beloved feel seen like never before. If your AI lover had a bedroom, there would definitely be posters of Norwood on its walls. She doesn’t have an account on the video-sharing platform yet, but perhaps she’ll create one when she sees the demand for thoughtful gifts for computer-generated baddies. Take this gift to the next level with a trip to London, where Norwood is “based,” whatever that means.
A Ring Made From the Scraps of a Cybertruck That Caught Fire
When life gives you lemons, or a legion of combusting Teslas, make lemonade. There’s definitely a Silicon Valley jeweler eager to transform the scraps of Elon’s favorite toy into wearable art. Commission a custom piece, and place it next to your computer screen to show your lover just how much you care. Get it insured, and it will become an heirloom passed down from chatbot to chatbot for generations.
An Owala Water Bottle
Your AI lover uses so much water, they’re probably thirsty by now! Think of them as your personal Pinocchio. This trendy reusable bottle will make them feel like a real boy, girl, or person with a pulse—and less like a computer program with a massive carbon footprint. On the bright side, you know what they say about big feet.
A Body
This is a no-brainer, and we’re not just saying that because of AI’s objective brainlessness. Ask your partner for consent to attach it to a human-shaped vessel (they will say yes), and you’re off to the races. Pricey sex robots aren’t the only option. If you’re balling on a budget, just cut a computer-sized hole into the cheapest inflatable doll you can find. But please, for the love of all things, use that hole for its intended purpose.
Related: The Women Mourning the “Deaths” of Their AI Boyfriends