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Without a doubt, the #MeToo movement has put a spotlight on the all-important issue of sexual consent. The concept of affirmative consent in particular has been the focus of much recent discussion—the idea being that consent should be explicit, enthusiastic and ongoing throughout a given sexual encounter.
In theory, this certainly sounds like the ideal way to approach sex. I mean, the clearer and more frequently stated consent becomes, the better it is for everyone, right? This consent framework is one that doesn’t map naturally or easily onto all sexual fantasies, though, such as those that involve being forced to have sex.
Research has demonstrated that many people—women and men alike—fantasize about playing a submissive role to a dominant partner who has their way with them, not unlike many of the scenes depicted in the popular book and film series Fifty Shades of Grey. Fantasies like this don’t include frequent pauses to obtain verbal consent. In fact, interjecting them might very well detract from the fantasy.
So what if you’re one of the many people who fantasizes about and enjoys the idea of forced sex, or dominant-submissive narratives more broadly? Does it make you a traitor to the #MeToo cause? According to the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, it sure seems to.
“The Fifty Shades franchise is advertised as an erotic romance, but in reality it is a story of sexual violence,” the organization’s website reads. “Fifty Shades Freed irresponsibly and dangerously legitimizes sexual violence against women.”
They go further to say that “if we are ready to transform how our culture treats women—from exploitative to empowering—we need to stop making and watching films like Fifty Shades Freed…It is entirely hypocritical that this film is coming out amid the momentum of Hollywood support for the #MeToo campaign.”
“[Forced sex] is an extremely common fantasy, and for many, an integral part of their power exchange experience.”
As a social psychologist who studies and writes about sex and issues of consent for a living, I have a very different perspective. I think you can enjoy your fantasies about forced sex while also being a loyal supporter of #MeToo.
Fantasies about forced sex are more common than you think. For example, as part of my forthcoming book Tell Me What You Want, I surveyed more than 4,000 Americans about their favorite sexual fantasies. Among other things, I found that nearly two in three women and one in two men had fantasized about having sex forced on them before. Although this fantasy transcended gender—and sexual orientation, for that matter—women were more likely to have this fantasy, and to have it often.
Dr. Kathryn Klement, an assistant professor of psychology at Bemidji State University who studies the science of BDSM, echoed these observations: “It is absolutely normal to fantasize about forced sex. In my research on people in the BDSM community, this is an extremely common fantasy, and for many, an integral part of their power exchange experience.”
Klement also finds that women are more likely to report having these fantasies, but she thinks the gender gap may not be as big as it first appears. She believes heterosexual men tend to underreport their interest in forced sex, especially to the extent that their fantasy involves acts like pegging.
“Straight men may equate being penetrated themselves with being gay, and so [they are] not very likely to admit to a fantasy where a woman penetrates them,” she says.
In my own research, many of the people who reported forced sex fantasies explicitly described them as “rape” when given the chance to put their fantasies in their own words; however, that’s not the word I’d use, given that these fantasies bear no resemblance to actual rape.
Remember that your fantasies take place entirely within your own head, which means that you are in complete control at all times. You are directing the fantasy within your comfort zone; therefore, everything is consensual. Even if you say you want to be forced, you don’t have to do anything you don’t already want to do when it’s a fantasy.
In these “forced” sex fantasies, then, the dominant partner isn’t actually the one who’s in control. The submissive partner is laying out the terms of the encounter, or at least consenting to share power with a dominant partner (or partners).
These fantasies can take many forms and they vary considerably from one person to the next; however, one common theme is having the freedom to choose your partner. Oftentimes, people choose partners they know and with whom they already have a sexual relationship—these are people who are likely to understand sexual boundaries. Indeed, many of the participants who took my survey talked extensively about the importance of safety and having a partner who knows and respects the rules.
So where do forced sex fantasies come from anyway? And what do they say about the people who have them?
There are a few different theories out there, but let’s first clear up the myth that these fantasies necessarily stem from past experiences with sexual abuse. The link between forced sex fantasies and prior sexual victimization has been non-existent in most studies, meaning that these fantasies shouldn’t be reduced (as they commonly are) to a way that victims reenact past traumas.
Another popular—but unsupported—theory is the idea that forced sex fantasies are a way that people cope with anxiety about being judged for expressing their sexuality. The thought is that if you’re “forced” to have sex, you can let loose and enjoy the fantasy because it takes the blame away from you. However, if this were true, forced sex fantasies would be linked to greater feelings of sexual guilt—but they aren’t. In fact, the reverse is true. At least among women, research finds that forced sex fantasies are linked to holding more positive attitudes about sex.
In light of this finding, rather than being a symptom of repression, some scientists have argued that forced sex fantasies are simply a product of having more open and accepting sexual attitudes. As the authors of one study put it, forced sex fantasies are ‘‘just one more expression of a generally open, positive, unrestrictive and relatively guilt-free expression of one’s sexuality.’’
“If all partners have sexual agency, are asking for what they want and respecting everyone’s boundaries, there shouldn’t be a problem.”
Yet another way to think about forced sex fantasies is that they might be adaptive and potentially therapeutic in the sense of helping people to refocus their attention during sex. Fantasies about sexual submission and masochism (that is, finding pain to be sexually arousing) transform you psychologically from a person to an object. While you may have been taught to think that being a sex object is necessarily a bad thing, that’s not the case when you consent to it.
This depersonalization reduces self-awareness to such a degree that we are less likely to be distracted by insecurities and anxieties that might otherwise interfere with our sexual pleasure. It’s a form of psychological escape that allows us to focus on the physical sensations of sex rather than getting lost in our heads.
It’s worth noting that people who have forced sex fantasies appear to be perfectly healthy. For example, research has found that women who have forced sex fantasies have higher (not lower) levels of self-esteem. The same goes for people (men and women alike) who have BDSM fantasies more broadly—the trend in the research is actually for them to be more, not less well-adjusted.
In short, fantasizing about being forced to have sex is a common and quite normal sexual desire. Having these fantasies does not necessarily mean that there’s something wrong with you, nor do they necessarily reflect a problematic or pathological view of sex.
Given what the research in this area has found, there’s good reason to be skeptical of claims made by groups like the National Center on Sexual Exploitation that cultural depictions of sexual dominance and submission are inherently “violent,” or that they run counter to the mission of #MeToo and should therefore be stopped. Erotic books and films like Fifty Shades are simply feeding into a common sexual desire—one that, at its very core, is consensual in nature and involves mutual pleasure.
Dr. Klement agrees: “I recognize that people, especially women, enacting forced sex fantasies can play right into the problematic narratives that helped spur the #MeToo movement (e.g., ‘All women want to be secretly dominated!’ ‘Women are just sex objects!’). But I think the key difference here is the negotiated consent.
“If all partners have sexual agency, are asking for what they want and respecting everyone’s boundaries, there shouldn’t be a problem,” she says. “Feminism and equality aren’t mutually exclusive from forced sex fantasies, or acting out scenes of sexual domination, as long as everyone agrees.”
Klement advises those who have an interest in turning their forced sex fantasy into reality to be mindful of the level of negotiation required. “Everyone has to agree and recognize everyone’s boundaries,” she says. “Clear communication is key here.” When roleplaying one of these fantasies, communication is essential for making sure that things don’t suddenly take a wrong turn.
And if you have these fantasies but don’t want to act on them, that’s perfectly fine, too. “Not everyone is comfortable with forcing a sexual partner, even if it’s negotiated. Make sure that you know yourself to recognize if this is a necessary part of your sexuality or not,” Klement says.
Ultimately, the key thing to remember is that fantasies about forced sex and BDSM share nothing in common with the atrocities—the sex crimes—that #MeToo is trying to highlight and eradicate. #MeToo is a movement against sexual victimization and shouldn’t be used as a politically convenient tool for attacking consensual desires.