Your bag is empty.
For some, December means decking the halls with boughs of holly (or lighting menorahs) and spending stress-free time with loved ones. For others, it means dodging politically charged commentary from third cousins, twice removed and begging Mom to step in as a moderator armed with a timer and some serious debate protocols.
Saying no thanks to family festivities can be tempting to those with rocky relationships with relatives, but being alone during the holiday season (while in a pandemic, no less) can lead to depression, stress and major fomo. So, if you’re stuck in the house with a die-hard Trumper or have a scheduled Skype session with your antifa auntie, it’s time to arm yourself with some coping skills.
Rather than ask therapists for their sage advice, I decided to call upon journalists (some with Playboy bylines) to get their take. Each has encountered a handful of zany and zealous subjects, and each has had to use their journalistic talents—and every ounce of their patience—to maintain their cool and find a way to have a productive conversation. Not only do their recommendations give insight into the journalistic process, but they also can serve as a useful guide to handling any curveball your family might throw your way this holiday season.
BE READY TO LISTEN
Part of a journalist’s job is to try to understand the point of view of the person they’re interviewing, but it’s not essential that the person understand the journalist’s perspective in return. If you want a productive conversation with a family member you disagree with, make clear your desire to hear them out—and then follow through.
“Listening is the most powerful tool in a reporter’s toolkit,” says political reporter Matt Laslo, who profiled Colorado senator and cannabis advocate Cory Gardner for PLAYBOY and who has interviewed Seb Gorka, Alex Jones and members of the Proud Boys. “Most of my subjects leave our interviews thinking I’m in agreement with them. I don’t dupe them. I just listen and let them know I understand where they’re coming from.”
Jill Filipovic, an attorney, author and reporter who has gone toe to toe with plenty of politicians, agrees, recounting how listening helped her connect with protestors at an abortion clinic. “Instead of getting into arguments, I let the protesters talk, and what they eventually said got to the roots of why they were there more than any argument could have.”
When your loved ones feel heard, they’re more likely to hear you out too. As strongly as you might feel about a particular topic, keep an open mind and hear everyone out. “I don’t think there’s any point in believing in something so firmly that your mind can’t be changed,” says Alex Thomas, a political correspondent on Capitol Hill.
ASK USEFUL QUESTIONS
When navigating murky territory, choose your words carefully. Filipovic encourages people to base their questions on their intentions.
If you’re dealing with a stubborn family member who refuses to concede, a hard line of questioning may be your best bet, Filipovic says. Want to change someone’s mind or open up their perspective? Then prepare more thought-provoking questions. “Consider asking questions that get underneath whatever objectionable view the person expresses,” Filipovic recommends. “Why do they feel that way? Have they considered x, y or z reason or aspect of the issue? Where did they get that piece of information? What do they know about that source?”
As Thomas notes from experience, softening your questions around the edges can help elicit a better response. “Instead of, ‘What’s your comment on the president tweeting out madness,’ it becomes, ‘What do you think the president’s motivation is with this statement?’” Thomas says this tactic has worked with Republicans in D.C., so there’s a good chance it could help draw your conservative family members into conversation too.
USE EMPATHY TO YOUR ADVANTAGE
David Hochman, who has interviewed the conservative commentator trifecta of Sean Hannity, Michael Savage and Chris Wallace for Playboy Interviews, says journalists—or anyone having a challenging conversation—should “start with empathy.” Going into the holidays, you should do some research on your relatives’ points of view and consider why they feel the way they do. This will set you up for success when you ultimately sit down to talk.
Such was the case for Hochman when he interviewed Trump for PLAYBOY in 2004. “If you hear about Trump and how he was raised, you can start to understand why he behaves the way he does. So even if you’re challenging him on the things he’s saying, you’re at least doing it from a point of view that is understanding of where he’s coming from,” Hochman says.
“Seeing people’s lives up close, and understanding why people make the decisions they do, goes a lot further than arguments,” Filipovic echoes.
ARM YOURSELF WITH SOURCES
Walk in well prepared. Find reliable sources ahead of time to challenge misinformation or talking points you suspect your family members will use. This is what journalists do to get ready for their own contentious conversations. “I’ll read what credible sources have to say, and I’ll just be ready, like, here’s what The New York Times, NPR, The Atlantic, the CDC and the World Health Organization have to say about this thing,” Hochman says.
If family members fire back with less-than-credible sources, don’t waste too much breath on their choices. “I may point them to more reliable sources of information and try to offer some media literacy 101, but I don’t spend time arguing [with people who spout misinformation], because honestly it’s just not fruitful,” Filipovic says.
Draw the line at confrontation. Just stay away from it. Even after a few spiked eggnogs
KEEP YOUR COOL
This might be the hardest suggestion to pull off. Political conversations tend to get passionate because it’s not just about politics—it’s about our morals, our psychology and our identity. Things are bound to get tense if you’re not actively reminding yourself to stay calm. “There’s no interview or conversation that can be improved by losing your cool,” Thomas says. “Draw the line at confrontation. Just stay away from it. Even after a few spiked eggnogs.”
Develop strategies to calm yourself down in the moment. Tap your finger on something, use a fidget spinner or twiddle your thumbs—whatever works best for you. “My strategy is stay calm, take a breath, keep my voice even and model the respect I would like to receive,” Filipovic says.
And as Jamil Smith, a senior writer at Rolling Stone who focuses on national affairs and culture (and who recently interviewed Ice Cube about his support for Trump), astutely points out, “Elevating the volume of one’s voice does not make one’s thesis more persuasive.”
PICK YOUR BATTLES
You’re never going to see eye to eye on everything with everyone in your life. We all have unique perspectives and experiences that shape our political beliefs. It’s more important to find common ground than it is to go into detail on every issue you disagree on.
As with any productive back and forth, there must be some give and take. Journalists often navigate a fine line between investigation and antagonism, and anyone having an across-the-aisle political conversation with family is likely to face a similar navigation. “You have to decide how much you want to fight versus just letting them express themselves. It’s a balance of letting them talk, but also holding them accountable to the truth.”
That said, if your uncle is denying climate change or if your sister believes in Pizzagate, it might be better to just walk away. “You can’t do any course-correcting if you’re operating within a different universe of facts,” Thomas says.
KNOW YOUR LIMITS
Healthy familial relationships have boundaries. Be mindful of this and work to make your own limits clear—and respect the boundaries of your family. Perhaps one issue hits too close to home to talk about; tell your family it’s a nonstarter. You could also set a time limit for the conversation or agree to keep name-calling out of it. Feeling saucy? Settle on a BDSM-inspired safe word or phrase—if someone utters it, the conversation is simply over. (“Fire,” “shut up and eat,” “fumble” and “I need another slice of pie,” are some of the safe-word suggestions made by the journalists.) Whatever you have to do to keep things civil and on course.
Did you successfully manage to have a tricky conversation with family? Congrats! Now take the time to do a post-mortem. Why did it go well? Is the door open for a follow-up? Or maybe it didn’t go so well, and it’s time to take politics off the list of viable conversation topics for future family gatherings—or even time to reevaluate the relationship.
“There are tons of people I love who I disagree with on a whole multitude of issues. But there isn’t anyone I am very close with who doesn’t share the same moral foundations I do, which means we tend to agree politically more than we disagree,” Filipovic says. “I can’t imagine feeling close to someone who I couldn’t speak openly with, or who I thought was wrong on issues of basic morality and decency.”
Smith agrees. “I find it difficult to be truly close to people who have worldviews that reinforce an unequal status quo, or who seek to subjugate me or anyone else.”
If your family doesn’t respect your boundaries or your worldview, or if you feel their views are outright insidious, it’s time to brainstorm different holiday plans for next year. “No one is legally required to attend Christmas,” Filipovic says.
But it’s worth making the effort to reach out and try to have tough talks. As Hochman says, “I think there’s a problem if we, as a country, only talk to people who agree with everything we agree with.”
No one-size-fits-all solution exists for how to survive holiday conversations with your family. But following the above seven tips can help—and if you lose your footing mid-convo, just change the topic to something everyone can agree on: how much we’re all looking forward to the end of this godforsaken year.