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compersion (n) the feeling of happiness or even arousal for your partner’s enjoyment of another partner
A year ago, seeing her wife gush about a new crush would have brought up feelings of insecurity in Jessica, but since she has been working to cultivate compersion in their relationship, she now feels joy at her wife’s excitement.
Imagine you find out your partner is falling helplessly in love—with someone else. But instead of feeling jealousy or rage or plain old heartbreak, you’re overjoyed. You can’t contain your happiness, and seeing the person you love delight in another brings you a sense of satisfaction. That feeling is called compersion. This week’s word comes from the vast world of polyamory, but it can be used outside the poly context as well. To put it in simplistic terms, compersion is the opposite of jealousy.
One of the downsides of compulsory monogamy is we’re made to believe in the scarcity model when it comes to love, affection and sexual attraction. Unless those feelings are reserved for one person and one person forever, the feelings aren’t “real.” Therefore, if your partner loves someone else, they have less love for you. If your partner is sexually interested in someone else, that must mean their sexual appetite for you is waning. People in the poly community eschew the ownership model of dating and embrace the mentality that whatever makes their partner happy brings them joy as well.
Compersion isn’t an automatic thing for everyone; most are programmed not to feel it. It requires a healthy relationship, strong communication, clear boundaries, confidence in your partner and, of course, consenting to an open relationship. But if you’re able to let go of possessiveness, compersion allows you to celebrate your partner’s sexual and romantic delight as your own.