Finding balance has been a lifelong journey for me. I went from obscurity to fame, from marriages with men to marriage with a woman to being happy on my own, from focusing on motherhood to rediscovering myself as an artist. Arriving at the place of contentment I’m at today has been a quest with plenty of interesting chapters—including my time with Playboy.

My whole world was turned upside down when, at the age of 20, I became the December 1988 Playmate. Seemingly overnight I became a celebrity, especially in my home country of Finland. I’d been accustomed to a quiet life, and it was a massive change. I was an only child, and my parents, both attorneys, moved our family around Helsinki many times. Sometimes it was for work, but I think more often it had to do with their dislike of settling down in one place. I spent a lot of time alone, with only my cat and dog to keep me company. As challenging as it was, it also forced me to be innovative: I had to figure out ways to entertain myself, and so I developed a love of writing and drawing.

When I was 16 I left Finland to be an exchange student in Rapid City, South Dakota, which may not sound like the hippest city but was amazing to me. I was blown away by the grand shopping malls. It didn’t hurt that my exchange family was wealthy—I had my own answering machine and a Jacuzzi. I returned to Finland after my year abroad, graduated from high school and indulged my sense of adventure with more travel. In Italy I met a photographer who asked me to pose for PLAYBOY Italy. When editors at the U.S. edition saw the photos, they invited me to Los Angeles for a shoot, and that’s how I became the second-ever Finnish Playmate.

I was surprised by the reaction to my pictorial. Not only did American readers love me, but so did my fellow Finns, who were really excited about the attention it brought our country. I was due for another trip to America to shoot my Playmate video when fate stepped in. The U.S. government denied my work permit and visa, and I had to cancel my trip. Instead I stayed in Finland, where I toured the country, doing press. I also did some acting and modeling and even recorded an album. My fame soared in Finland, but I found it stressful. Life started to get crazy—I couldn’t go anywhere without being recognized. Within two years or so I burned out.

I removed myself from public life (much later I changed my name from Kata Kärkkäinen, which I had used for PLAYBOY, to Katariina Souri) and tried to figure out my next move. I felt no real direction, so I got married and started a family. After I had my first child I began to yearn for my own creative work and decided to rekindle my childhood passions for art and writing.

Writing and painting keep me in touch with the deep core of my spirituality. In both mediums I’m drawn to exploring the female psyche and themes of empowerment; I’m often inspired by the folklore of Finnish paganism and witchcraft. The female characters in my paintings and in my novels—most of which are psychological thrillers—often exist near the intersection of insanity and extreme solitude. They stand alone in the world, trying to locate their feminine power, the roots of which were lost centuries ago. My creative work has not made me rich, but it has brought me a sense of fulfillment, and that’s what’s most important to me.

In addition to my novels, I’ve written self-help-style memoirs; by discussing my experiences with eating disorders and anxiety and panic disorders, I hope to help others find a path to their own healing. Throughout my life I’ve searched for ways to maintain my mental and emotional health. For me, spirituality, yoga, breath work, meditation therapy and being in nature have all helped—along with painting and writing.

I’ve also searched for love. I’ve been married four times, divorced four times and have two children. My last marriage was to a woman. In Finland, people are generally progressive and open-minded when it comes to sexuality, so the marriage was never a big deal; however, some men took offense at a Playmate marrying another woman—they felt somehow betrayed. But I consider myself pansexual. Love is love; gender is irrelevant. I don’t understand why society defines gender and sexuality in such limiting ways.

In the past I’ve chafed against gendered expectations. Even at my Playmate shoot in Los Angeles, I remember feeling awkward posing in lace underwear and a garter belt with silk flowers. I felt more comfortable defying rather than conforming to mainstream ideas of femininity and beauty. As I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to strike a comfortable balance between my feminine and masculine sides. Marrying a woman helped me with that; it freed me from the stereotypical expectations of womanhood and allowed me to tap into my masculine side, which had been buried below the surface.

I have no regrets. I’m really happy I posed for PLAYBOY; I don’t think I would have had the career I’ve had if I weren’t a Playmate. But I don’t think I’ll ever marry again. I’ve enjoyed settling into seclusion.

My affinity for solitude has helped me adjust fairly easily to all of the rules and regulations Finland has imposed as a result of COVID-19. My overall lifestyle hasn’t changed much. I live in the countryside, surrounded by the forest, with my cat and my dog, in a house I designed and helped build myself. It’s the first real home I’ve ever known. I’ve enjoyed working from home, gardening and walking around in the forest during this time, much like I do during normal life. I feel lucky to live in the beautiful countryside. I do miss going out to enjoy a nice meal in good company though.

Growing up, I felt isolated and bored when I was on my own, but now I thoroughly enjoy it. I know a lot of my fellow Finns are struggling with loneliness—people in Finland are naturally predisposed to be lonely as a result of our introverted culture—but the whole coronavirus situation has forced people to appreciate the things that we usually take for granted, like nature and human contact. Many people feel constrained when they’re forced to spend time with themselves, but I personally feel liberated. A good portion of my life was dedicated to family and my career, but now? The possibilities are endless. My journey continues.