Sexuality in Conversation

Leave Mushroom Dicks Alone

You have to wonder if when Stormy Daniels (born Stephanie Clifford) chose her stage name it wasn’t some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. It plays like a noir, her sitting across from her manager in a windowless office. Him, “So what is it you want ‘em to call you?” She lets out a sigh, stares wistfully at nothing and then whispers, “Stormy.” A chill from nowhere fills the room.

She certainly didn’t whisper though when she revealed in her new book what Donald Trump’s dick (that hurt to type) looks like, “Smaller than average … like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” And just like that, a nostalgic pastime was swiftly ruined for all millennials, and Twitter was set ablaze with feminist cackles over the Commander-In-Chief’s commander-in-chief.

Jokes aside, it is astounding that Stormy Daniels, like it or not, has potentially made herself a lynch pin in American history. Whether it was her intended outcome is unclear, but she is potentially the best chance we have at proving Trump illegally mishandled campaign funds. And for that we thank her. But we kind of owe it to ourselves to take a step back on this whole penis thing and ask ourselves if we should be wildly mocking Donald Trump’s genitals.

Being anti-body shaming is paramount to being a feminist. A brief “femsplainer” for the guys in the back—media that only portrays thin women has created unrealistic body standards that keep women sick and striving for unattainable and unimportant goals. It’s a patriarchal tool, keeping us worried about our appearances instead of our value and talent, and it is one that was invented by the men of advertising. So to shut that shit down is women taking our power back, refusing to put on a face, literally, for men, and lifting each other up—all shapes and colors welcome. So if we’re following that logic, is it hypocritical for us to body shame a dick?

If we’re being sex positive, even a mushroom dick can get the job done. So can a pencil dick. So can a chode. So can a micropenis when wielded with confidence.

As various pictures of the Mario Kart mushroom and their accompanying commentary circulated the internet yesterday, so did the famous Margaret Atwood quote, “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” So I guess we all are just doing our part. Men perpetrate the majority of violence against women, and we do indeed laugh at them because existential dread is real. And for all of the institutionalized violence and oppression waged against women, can’t we have a giggle at his gross penis?

Considering that Trump is a man who has giddily bragged of sexually assaulting women, ran the Miss America pageant—the holy grain of body shaming—and is currently trying to get Brett Kavanaugh—a literal Handmaid’s Tale commander—elected to the Supreme Court explicitly to make abortion federally illegal (*screaming* which will kill women), while also adamantly defending Kavanaugh in his own sexual assault fire storm, perhaps we should give ourselves a break on this one. It has been a long two years for us nasty women, and we deserve a laugh.

But to play devil’s advocate, if we’re being sex positive, even a mushroom dick can get the job done. So can a pencil dick. So can a chode. So can a micropenis when wielded with confidence, and maybe some toys. Most of us penis-lovers have met the business end of a dude that isn’t necessarily the industry standard, but still provides a good time in the sack. Fuck Donald Trump. And fuck whatever his penis happens to look like. But lest we not cast all mushroom-shaped penises aside—at least the ones that don’t belong to megalomaniac, ignorant abusers dead-set on ruining democracy.

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