Let Mattel You a Secret

Dear Diary,

It’s official. Ken and I are “consciously uncoupling.” According to Goop.com, “Conscious uncoupling is understanding that every irritation in a relationship was a signal to look inside and identify a negative internal object that needed healing.” So my irritation with Ken having an affair with his “squash partner” Allan—an older gentleman and early investor in TikTok who just bought Ken a 2020 Mattel™ convertible—is apparently just a signal to look inside myself and examine my own pain. Thanks a lot, Gwyneth. You can make like a jade egg and shove it.

Since California is a no-fault-divorce state, we split our assets 50/50: He kept the Dream House in Studio City, and I got the Malibu House and the Glam Getaway Trailer. Since my Covid camping plans were immediately thwarted by raging wildfires, I now just use the trailer as storage for all the bottled water, paper towels and Charles Shaw merlot I bought in bulk back in March.

Bored in quarantine, I binged all of Keeping Up With the Kardashians in two weeks and decided it was high time I got in on this latex craze. Apparently, when wearing latex you need to pre-lubricate it with talc powder or silicone-based lube, but nobody told me that! Add a late-August heat wave and, baby, I was stuck! Newly single and with removal turning out to be a two-person job, I had to wear my new playsuit for three days straight. Eventually I grew used to it: vacuuming, watching TV, transcendental meditating, even sleeping. Ultimately I was able to use a can of Pam and a pasta claw to peel it off, but goddamn if it wasn’t a flattering silhouette. I gave it a 3.5-star review on Etsy and ordered it in three other colors.

This year has been a real uphill battle for me. Yesterday my agent told me the role I Zoom-auditioned for in Life-Size 3 went to Yasmin the Bratz doll. I just can’t compete with this younger generation! The only roles available for dolls over 30 are as possessed antiques in horror movies. Maybe if I wanted to go for Oscar-bait prosthetics like Charlize in Monster I could audition for the next Annabelle movie, but those ruffled Victorian smocks are just so Galliano ’94.

Well, Diary, I guess this has been a rough year for everyone. We’re all asking ourselves the same questions: Will things ever really go back to normal? When will we be able to take the vaccine? How will I heal from my broken marriage? If Buzz Lightyear thought he was a real Space Ranger of Star Command, then why did he freeze like all the other toys when Andy walked in? And who the hell let Ben Affleck get that full-back tattoo?

Well, here’s hoping 2021 brings healing to all of us.

XOXO, Babs

Styling by Naomi Zinns; makeup and hair by @Brynna_Ashley.