Matthew Whitaker acting attorney general
MICHAEL REYNOLDS/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

Pop Culture

Matthew Whitaker and His Big Dick Toilets Are an Emblem for 2018

Donald Trump’s decision to fire former Attorney General Jeff Sessions and replace him with Matthew Whitaker has raised a lot of questions: “Are these actions part of a deliberate attempt to quell the Mueller investigation?” (Yes!) and “Is there any evidence to suggest Whitaker is even remotely qualified to oversee the nation’s chief law enforcement office?” (Nope!) But the most head-scratching quandary to come from Whitaker’s appointment is something that people from both sides of the aisle can ponder together: What the hell is a “big dick toilet” (BDT), and who are these big-dicked people who actually need them?

If you aren’t aware of Whitaker’s connection to the BDT, allow us to catch you up to speed. Before Whitaker entered the Trump orbit, he used to sit on the board of Miami-based company World Patent Marketing (WPM), which peddled products like Sasquatch dolls, a “theoretical time travel commodity,” and something called the Masculine Toilet, which is designed to help “well-endowed men” keep their big ol’ dicks out of their toilet bowls, according to Mother Jones. Apparently, the standard-sized bowl on your American Standard toilet just doesn’t cut it for the wannabe Jon Hamms of the world.

“The average male genitalia is between 5” and 6”,” a press release for the product reads. “However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that.” To solve the pressing dick-in-the-toilet problem, InventVillage.com, the company behind the Masculine Toilet, claims its product allows a full 12 inches of space between the rim of the shitter and the water. Need a toilet bowl with more than a full foot of space? No worries. These penis pros say they can happily create an “extra long version” if necessary.

Is dunking your dick really a big enough problem to warrant the Masculine Toilet? I’m not so sure; though, a quick search through Reddit did confirm that some men actually do struggle to keep their penises dry during a trip to the can, and they’ve come up with some more practical solutions. “In a public restroom I put a little folded-up toilet paper on the toilet seat and just lay [my penis] there,” one person wrote, adding, “I don’t think you have to have a VERY large penis to do that, I don’t.” Someone else chimed in and said that he puts a condom on when “shitting in public.”

We could debate all day about whether people really need big dick toilets, but one thing seems clear: There’s no toilet bowl deep enough to handle all of this administration’s shit.

While there are at least a couple of documented men with massive schlongs (Jonah Falcon and Robert Esquivel Cabrera come to mind), a study published in the British Journal of Urology International found that, on average, a flaccid penis measures in at 3.61 inches, and an erect one stands about 5.16 inches tall. Either the team behind InventVillage.com has analyzed the sizes of more than 15,000 penises (exceeding the number in the BJUI study), or they’re completely stretching the truth.

The latter option seems to be the most likely of the two, especially since men all around the globe have a documented track record for lying about their peckers. In 2017, British dating site SaucyDates.com surveyed men living in five different countries and found that they greatly exaggerated the size of their penises when asked. For example, men in the U.S. told the site that they measured in at 7.3 inches when erect. However, women in the U.S. claimed that the men they slept with boasted 6.64-inch penises, nearly an entire inch difference.

Why are men so obsessed with the size of their members? Part of the reason could be that some women really do factor in the overall size of a man’s manhood when choosing a mate. A study conducted by Australian National University asked 105 women to look at computer-generated images of men with varying dick sizes. Overwhelmingly, the women stated that they preferred the images of men with bigger penises over the men with smaller ones. Another reason may be that men (like all humans, really) feel an intrinsic need to compare themselves to one another as a way of boosting their own self-esteem. These justifications, combined with countless others, ultimately perpetuate a culture of toxic masculinity as well as racism—the very same attitudes that dominate Trump’s White House.

That brings us back to Whitaker and WPM. The firm, much like Trump University, was, apparently, riddled with fraud. According to Mother Jones, the Federal Trade Commission fined the defunct company $26 million for “deceiving consumers” in 2017, and the FBI is currently conducting an in-depth investigation into the firms’ past activity. Democrats are also concerned, and have given Whitaker until November 27 to provide them with information regarding his time with WPM.

Some would reasonably argue that Trump knew about Whitaker’s baggage (not just the big-dick kind) before asking him to be the acting AG. Trump, however, would tell you he doesn’t even know the guy. (How is it that Trump always seems to attract liars and cheaters?) Of course, the more reasonable explanation for Whitaker’s hiring is that he has publicly bashed Mueller’s investigation and outlined a hypothetical plan to defund it.

We could debate all day about whether people really need big dick toilets, but one thing seems clear: There’s no toilet bowl deep enough to handle all of this administration’s shit.

Related Topics

Top Pop Culture Picks

Explore Categories