Nicole Byer can be found judging earnest baking projects as a host of the new Netflix series Nailed It!, and she talks a whole lot about nailing other things on her podcast Why Won’t You Date Me? But the one thing she hasn’t nailed, as the title of the latter show implies, is the art of the long-term relationship.
On your podcast you interview guys you’ve hooked up with. What have you gleaned from those conversations about how we can be better at dating?
We don’t want you to ghost us. You can tell me that you are not into me; you can say, “I had a great time, but I truly don’t see this going anywhere. I’ll never text you; I’ll never call you. If you text or call me, I’m going to be nice about it and say, ‘Maybe we should hang out on Thursday,’ but guess what—Thursday doesn’t fucking exist.” You can be mean. You can literally tell me, “I fucked you once and I never want to fuck you again,” and you’re not going to hurt my feelings.
Absolutely! People like answers. That’s why there are researchers, that’s why there are scientists: You’re trying to find answers for shit. That’s why people go to the fucking moon— because we want to know what’s up there.
You talk a lot in your comedy about using dating apps. What’s the best strategy for picking photos of yourself to put online?
If you’re fat, you gotta show off your fatness. If you’re in a wheelchair, you gotta show off that you’re in a wheelchair. Essentially, Tinder and all these apps are blind dates. You start texting and you think you
know the person; you don’t fucking know the person. You have to tell them everything about you. Fat ladies love to take the above-angle selfies because then they have one chin. But when you meet the dude or the woman in person, they’ll see your second and third chins. They should know about it before you go out. I have this one picture of me holding a two-foot dildo. I had it up as, like, a barometer: If you could have an opening conversation with me without mentioning that, maybe you’re worth talking to.
Have you gone out with someone whose pictures were a complete lie?
I had one guy who looked like he was tall in his pictures but ended up being five-foot-two. He was, like, touching the ceiling in the picture, but after I met with him I went back and looked at his profile and was like, “Oh my God, he’s in a basement room. The door frame is the same height as the fucking ceiling.” He was also very boring. He was trash.
In this moment in history, lots of single guys want to come off right away as allies or woke or at least not a Louis C.K. creep. What can you tell them?
If you don’t get it, then be a creep. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. If you are woke and you think you understand women, then you don’t need to showcase that; she’ll know it when she’s with you. Men have been fed such toxic shit for such a long time. Everybody’s learning. Women are learning that what they thought was okay isn’t really okay, and men are learning that what they thought was okay isn’t okay. I don’t think you need to present yourself as a savant of intersectional feminism. If a woman says, “Hey, buddy, that was pretty sexist,” you go, “Oh shit, sorry about that. Can you explain why? Because I honestly don’t know; otherwise I wouldn’t have said it.”
Eat out women! If you want your dick sucked, you have to.
This one guy made me pancakes that were gross. He made this blueberry compote syrup. I was like, “You think you’re better at this than you are.” How do you screw up pancakes? I dated him on and off for three fucking years. I just never ate anything else he made.
Do you ever date your fans?
No. There’s no such thing as chucklefuckers for women. I’ve never met a female comic who’s like, “Yeah, after my shows dudes are lining up trying to fuck me.” The compliments I get from men after shows are usually “I don’t like women, but you’re funny” or “You’re funny for a girl.” Men get so many chucklefuckers because all a man has to do is be slightly funny and have a dick.
Let’s end on a slightly odd question, considering your romantic track record: What can all guys do to be better partners?
You need to be more responsive. If a girl is texting you 100 times a day, fucking text a bitch back. And eat her out. Eat out women! If you want your dick sucked, you have to. Not everyone’s a DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled makes millions of dollars a year. That’s why he gets to do whatever he wants. I’ll go “Ha ha ha!” at your dumbest joke; a lot of women will do that. You’re not funny. We’re laughing because we’re hoping you’ll eat our pussy.