Your bag is empty.
In my Brooklyn apartment a few weeks ago, I was straddling an approximately 6′ 5″ man (sorry, don’t mean to brag, but it’s, like, important to the story.)
It was that time of the night where I was mentally preparing to showcase my special skill (blowjob), and as I slowly pulled down his pants, there was only one thought—no, prayer—in my mind: Please don’t have a huge cock. With a man that tall, I knew I could have a monster on my hands. But I was manifesting a miracle—a miracle that came in a small package.
Someone heard my prayers (my money’s on Drew Barrymore) and I gave a huge sigh of relief when I was greeted by his hard, but not-too-big member. In my joyous state, I forgot who I was talking to when I blurted out: “Thank god! I was so worried you’d have a really big dick.”
Instantly, I watched as offense washed over his face. It turns out, men don’t really want to hear that! Oops! As I desperately tried to explain that this was actually a compliment of the highest order—that my genuine preference for penis size was achieved—his dick went flaccid just as his ego did.
It then occurred to me that not enough men know the truth about what we want from sex. What we (women who have sex with men) really truly actually want. I fear that men have been so caught up in the patriarchal narrative of sexual prowess that they have lost the plot entirely on the things that we care about in the bedroom—and the things we don’t.
In all my years and all my sex, I have never once thought to myself, “damn, I wish he penetrated me for longer.”
And frankly, I’m one vaginal rug burn away from becoming the first Jewish nun (I’ll worship Adam Sandler or something). So, on behalf of women who have sex with men, let me tell you what we want.
Hint: it’s much smaller, and faster, than you might have thought.
We all know the narrative instilled in men. If you want to be the best at sex, you need to last really long and have a big dick.
I’m not sure who started that rumor, but it’s my belief that they have a vendetta against all vaginas everywhere. Because let me tell you: that shit can hurt. Especially if it’s big and especially if it’s lasting a long time. Unless you are a literal saliva factory, I cannot see a world in which it is comfortable for any vagina to be penetrated ad nauseam. Let me again emphasize: vaginal rug burn. (This is a non-medical term that I did invent, but based on numerous experiences that could only be described as such.)
In all my years and all my sex, I have never once thought to myself, “damn, I wish he penetrated me for longer.” Or “I could have really gone for one more pump.” And I am a woman who loves sex and has had extremely pleasurable intercourse in my life. I would even go as far to say that the pleasurability of these experiences is contingent on the length of the penetration. That is…the length being short. Like, a good ten minutes. When I start chanting, “cum for me!” that’s when you know I’m fully tapped out.
As it turns out, I’m not the only one who favors a quick penetresh (pen·e·tresh /ˈpɛnəˌtrɛʃ/ noun. Shortened penetration. The linguistic embodiment of “let’s wrap this up.”)
Last year, I took to TikTok to share my take on short sex, posting a video with the quote “‘I’m sorry I didn’t last longer’” followed by a wink—insinuating that I was in fact not sorry that said man didn’t last longer. Despite having essentially no following at the time, the video garnered over 7 million views and 1 million likes, with women flooding the comments in agreement.
Just as the “needing to last long” sentiment is a myth, so is the conventional wisdom on big dicks.
“Literally like it’s okay I didn’t want to do this for much longer anyway,” one said. “My girl starts drying up,” another wrote. “Like baby I was done with this 10 min ago.” Over 2,000 comments chimed in, with the consensus loud and clear: we genuinely don’t want sex to last long. We just want to be taken care of.
To be clear, I’m not saying I want a man to thrust twice and roll over. If you climax before I’ve had time to settle into the mattress, we may have overcorrected. So while a 45-second sesh may be a tad short for me, there’s a sweet spot between marathon and medical emergency.
Just as the “needing to last long” sentiment is a myth, so is the conventional wisdom on big dicks. In my professional experience, penis size holds little to no weight in the report on whether or not someone was good in bed. While I don’t have a TikTok to prove this point, I am a sex writer who spends much more time engaging in dick-related conversations than your average person—so I can say this point with confidence: no woman I have spoken to, ever, has said that she wished a guy had a bigger dick.
She has vented that his large penis was hurting her. That she’s uncomfortably sore after. That she doesn’t like blowing him because it hurts her jaw. Trust me when I say: bigger is not always better. The girls who are getting banged by an average Joe peen are the ones sitting pretty, satisfied, and VRB (Vaginal Rug Burn) free.
So, if this narrative—If you want to be the best at sex, you need to last really long and have a big dick—is complete bullshit, how did it come to be? And why is it taken as gospel?
I believe it’s a classic case of patriarchy poison and men’s constant need to compete. Because, as I said, this sentiment is not at all based on what actually feels good for women, but instead is based on what would make men feel good about themselves: long endurance. Large size. It’s literally a beast mode competition and dick measuring contest all in one. And as always, women’s needs get left in the dust.
It’s no coincidence that our society has created a norm where women are struggling to finish and men are struggling not to finish. “Good sex” has been defined by completely incorrect parameters, just to benefit the male ego.
And by incorrectly advertising what we—women who are having sex with men—want from sex, a whole lot of problems have come up for us. Possibly the worst of all is that painful, uncomfortable sex has been normalized and accepted as what women receive. Because, let me say it louder this time: THAT SHIT CAN HURT. By deeming long penetration and big penises not as the standard for sex but the premium option, society tells women that this is something they should accept and celebrate—regardless of how it feels to them.
Another huge problem of falsely assuming what women want from sex is that no one knows what we want from sex! Penetration may be the main event for men, but it is actually not the main event for women, who are much more likely to get off from fingering, oral sex, and spicy foreplay. In fact, research has shown that only around 18% of women can orgasm from penetration alone, yet somehow society still acts like penis endurance is the gold medal event of sex.
For the big dick owners: Think of this less as a warning label and more of a “drive responsibly” situation.
This idea that we want penis-in-vagina action to last super long is so false, it could only be explained as men trying to disguise their wants as ours. It’d be like if I said to a guy I’m having sex with, “I know how much you love watching Real Housewives, so I put on a three part reunion just for you. You’re welcome.”
Now that we’ve disproven the original tale on female desire, let me paint you a new one—a true one—so there is no confusion upon us going our separate ways. Generally (with exceptions, of course), if you, a man, want to be someone a woman writes home about in the bedroom, I would prescribe: generous foreplay, attentive oral sex, not-too-long penetration (if she says, “cum for me!” you’ve gone too far), and the creation of a comfortable, painless experience. That means using lube, being cautious if you have a large penis, and intentionally avoiding lengthy penetration with no breaks or lube application.
For the big dick owners: Think of this less as a warning label and more of a “drive responsibly” situation. A large dick is hardly a tragedy, but it does require a little more consideration and a little less jackhammering.
I don’t know if my 6′ 5″ man is reading this, but if you’re out there, I hope you now know I wasn’t fibbing in my celebration of your size. I truly do prefer a more modest peen. There’s something about a smaller guy that really makes me feel like I can have some fun and get creative—without ripping myself a new one. That’s key.
And to all the men out there, I hope you take this newfound knowledge as a huge win. You don’t have to try as hard! Don’t even dare tire yourself out with those strokes! Just relax. At the foot of my bed. And eat me out for a while. It’s easy enough.
To close, I’d love to speak directly to the smaller penis community: you may not know it, but your dick really is the moment. And if you’re still feeling shy about your measurements, remember that you’re a much stronger candidate for ass play than your monster cock counterpart. I’d take the win.