Metamour

This week’s word is metamour.

metamour (n) within a polyamorous relationship, one partner’s partner with whom one is not romantically involved

Brendan saw Nick from across the grocery-store aisle and gave him a quick wave, all the while wondering when Nick’s next date with Brendan’s wife would be; he was forever curious about his metamours.

This week’s word comes from the vast terrain of polyamory. To put it simply, a metamour is a partner of your partner with whom you have no romantic relationship. If Brendan and Kara are together, and Kara and Nick are together, but Brendan and Nick are not, then Nick and Brendan are metamours. In a way, this structure stands in contrast to polyfidelity, a form of polyamory in which all members of a group date one another. (If such a group consists of three people, it is known by the relatively familiar term throuple.)

There are countless ways to engage in polyamory; its success depends on communication and boundary-setting, as it does in monogamous relationships. Those who practice polyamory have a range of options when it comes to interacting with metamours. You can get formally introduced, or you and your partner can take a DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) approach where no information about metamours is exchanged. Some metamours opt to form fulfilling friendships with one another, building a poly family from their network of metamours.

For those seeking compersion, which is pleasure from witnessing another’s pleasure, having a bond with a metamour can be an advantage. Acting in a compersive way could mean watching the kids for a weekend so your partner and metamour can enjoy a romantic getaway or making dinner reservations for the both of them at their favorite restaurant. In other words, it’s the opposite of jealousy.

In the end, being able to navigate metamours comes down to the ability to be honest, open and respectful with your partners. It’s not for everyone, but when done well, it can lead to heightened relationship satisfaction. Now that’s mour like it.