America is obsessed with homewreckers. From Monica Lewinsky to Angelina Jolie to Jordyn Woods, we have a history of demonizing the (usually single) “other woman.” But why is significantly less blame for the end of a relationship put on the person who actually cheated?

There is so much vitriol for women who “broke up” a marriage. Let’s take Kristen Stewart’s case in 2012, for example, in which a celebrity magazine published pictures of her canoodling with then-married director Rupert Sanders. It was so explosive, Donald Trump tweeted, “Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again—just watch.” Yet there weren’t tweets talking about the decisions Rupert Sanders made that ultimately led to his divorce. I had to google his name for this article because, like you, I had no recollection of who the hell he was. But that Trump tweet? Infamous.

Although it takes two to tango, the blame is disproportionately put on women when it’s two cheaters in hetero relationships. And it’s even worse when it’s a single woman “breaking up” a relationship—even if the “other woman” didn’t know the man she was dating wasn’t single. Homewrecking is an outdated notion—and I’m not really sure it existed in the first place. If a relationship’s foundation was already cracked enough for someone to cheat, there was no home to be wrecked.

About five years ago, the person I was dating slept with his ex. Did I blame the ex with whom he cheated? No. I didn’t know the woman, I didn’t know her story, I didn’t know why she wanted to sleep with the person I was sleeping with and, to be honest, I don’t think she knew he was seeing me. But it doesn’t matter. Even if she did know, I’m not angry at her. I feel sad that she would accurately assess the dude I was dating as someone who lies or someone who didn’t have the balls to break up with me or ask to open up the relationship before sleeping with her so he could be with both of us ethically and still decide he’s good enough for her. C’mon, girl, have higher standards for yourself than that dude.

I recognize that partners aren’t property and being in a relationship doesn’t turn off your attraction to other people. I wish I could say only people in bad relationships cheat, but there are plenty of people in good relationships who cheat too. Self-sabotage is a thing; when it comes to homewrecking, sometimes the call is coming from inside the house—from the person who built it.

When I got cheated on, I was angrier at the person I was dating than the person with whom he cheated. Regardless of why it happened, he broke our agreement. She had nothing to do with that. In our mutually agreed upon monogamous dynamic, women could have been throwing themselves at him and it’s still his responsibility not to act on it—or to initiate a conversation with me about opening up our relationship.

So why isn’t more blame placed on a partnered person who engages in a sexual dynamic outside of what they agreed upon? Why is there so little public smearing of people who decided to cheat rather than do the right thing, which is either end things with their current partner before entering another sexual dynamic or openly communicate about changing the dynamic of their current relationship? Why is the other person—usually a woman—dragged through the mud? Homewrecker is defined as “a person who is blamed for the breakup of a marriage or family, especially due to having engaged in an affair with one member of a couple.” So why have I never heard a man called one?

We became obsessed with figuring out who “Becky with the good hair” was, but where was the public outrage against Jay-Z? He cheated on Beyoncé. Do you know what kind of balls it takes to cheat on Beyoncé? Huge. I’m surprised he is able to walk with them, instead of army crawling 24/7. But that dynamic is proof that the “other woman” is almost completely irrelevant to the conversation. If you’re already willing to cheat on Beyoncé, it doesn’t matter if it was Becky or Brenda or Beth—if it weren’t Becky, it was going to be someone else.

There are so many options to mend or get out of a relationship, so the cheating party has very little excuse. If you feel tempted to cheat because you truly want to build a relationship with the person with whom you’re cheating, end things with the other person first. But that’s often not what happens. People want to have their cake and eat it too. There are a lot of reasons people cheat: the thrill of it, seeking out a new person for emotional support or sex, or simply low self-esteem—they choose to fuck up a good thing because, deep down, it’s what they feel they deserve. In all these cases, just, like, go to therapy. If you’re causing harm (self or otherwise) in this facet of your life, you’re probably causing it in other facets too.

If you want to an open relationship and your partner doesn’t, that warrants an honest—albeit uncomfortable—conversation. I know some couples who have periods of openness and closedness as a means of compromise so both parties feel secure and happy. But the responsibility for that conversation lies with the person who desires to be intimate with more than one person. We’re not robots, but we have the power to control our factory settings for the sake of a relationship.