Yet another sex scandal has hit the Department of Homeland Security. Earlier this month, former DHS secretary Kristi Noem’s husband was outed as having a “bimbo fetish,” paired with a penchant for wearing cartoonishly large prosthetic breasts. This week, reports circulated that a 29-year-old “high-ranking official” named Julia Varvaro has been suspended from her role at the DHS amid allegations that she solicited thousands of dollars from sugar daddies. 

Look, I get why all this is newsworthy. It’s entertaining, and there are some national security implications involved. But at the same time… is any of this really all that surprising?

Noem’s scandal was, perhaps, shocking if only for the visual, but Varvaro’s is much less so. Varvaro, the deputy assistant secretary for counterterrorism in DHS’ Office of Strategy, Policy and Plans, is accused by an ex of receiving thousands of dollars from men in exchange for her companionship. The ex, known only as “Robert B,” told the Daily Mail that he “did not want a sugar daddy/prostitution relationship, after spending $30,000 to $40,000 for vacations, Cartier jewelry, expensive handbags, and various shopping trips,” and that Varvaro had previously told him that her student debt and other expenses had been covered by sugar daddies. He claimed that Varvaro had an account on Seeking, a dating website known as a place for attractive young women to meet older, wealthier sugar daddies. Varvaro denies she had an account on the site.

In other words, a hot and savvy young woman is accused of continuing to be hot and savvy. 
Sure, someone who works for the DHS shouldn’t be engaging in financially incentivized relationships, much less allegedly advertising for them online. It can open her up to security vulnerabilities, like the risk of financial exploitation. But come on: a beautiful and presumably intelligent young woman with a “prestigious” career of her own will often date men who can buy her fancy things and take her on expensive vacations. Whether we call it a sugar daddy relationship or not, beautiful women often date men with means in large part for the lifestyle it affords. 

Robert B. further alleged that Varvaro would “always order the most expensive things on the menu, like the Wagyu premier cut of Japanese beef,” insisted on staying in luxury hotels on trips to Aruba, Italy and Switzerland and asked for luxury gifts like a $3500 Bottega handbag—which, of course, Robert B. purchased. Their relationship only lasted three months before fizzling. 

In response to the allegations, Varvaro told the Daily Mail “I didn’t know it was bad to go on vacation with your boyfriend. We were together in an exclusive relationship. We went on vacations. I don’t know what’s the problem with that.” Ultimately, this sounds like a typical story of a disgruntled ex who’s salty about the fact that their expectations didn’t align. To Varvaro’s point, she and Robert B. were in a relationship in which he, presumably willingly, bought her expensive things and took her on nice trips. He’s only objecting to that, it seems, after the fact. Robert B. told the Daily Mail that he made these allegations because he believes Varvaro’s behavior to be a security risk. But without confirmation of the sugar baby allegations, which Varvaro denies, it’s hard to see what the issue is. Meanwhile, even the Bryon Noem scandal is, in the grand scheme, not all that strange. So the husband of a former high-profile federal employee crossdresses and talks to sex workers online. Big fucking deal. In all likelihood, you personally know a handful of people in real life who do the same. 

There is an element of schadenfreude here, allowing us to revel in the hypocrisy of sexual dynamics unfolding among people who are ostensibly conservative, participating in a government that boasts “family values” and uses that moral ground to impinge upon the rights of the “immoral” majority. That’s understandable, but it may not ultimately be to our benefit. These stories perpetuate a culture in which our sexual and romantic lives could at any time become a public spectacle. Maybe someone who works for the government shouldn’t have an explicit sugar daddy, but it’s worth scrutinizing how far that thinking extends. Should women in the private sector have to fear losing their jobs if they pursue semi-transactional relationships on their own time? What is the metric of notability to make one’s private fetishes newsworthy? 

A hot young woman wants to date guys who will pay her rent and buy her jewelry. A husband of a notable conservative harbors an unusual kink. Next you’re going to tell me that someone in the administration is actually in the closet, or that they like to visit a dominatrix on the weekends. This is all how human sexuality works. And if we want a world in which we can all exercise our sexuality in a consensual, free way—seperate from the public eye—shaming those who do is a net negative, even if their private lives contradict their stated values. Let’s not act so brand new about it.