santaphilia (n) a sexual obsession with Santa Claus

Clara couldn’t stop herself from staring at the mall Santa’s belly whenever he let out a hearty laugh. Her santaphilia always crept in this time of year.

Anyone who doesn’t think Santa is the ultimate top is lying. When you take a closer look, it’s painfully obvious what a kinky, jolly bastard he is. He’s an older man who tells you to sit on his lap and confess your deepest desires, which he’ll gladly bestow but only if you haven’t been a bad boy or girl. That is some serious Fifty Shades of Sleigh shit right there.

Santaphilia is a term used to refer to a sexual attraction to good old Saint Nick. And, honestly, it makes a lot of sense. Once you subtract the whole “symbol of love and light to children around the world” thing, you have a sophisticated gentleman who’s generous and well-traveled, runs a successful nonprofit organization and looks great in a uniform.

This fetish is more common than one might think. If you felt a tingle down under while watching the iconic Mean Girls scene where Regina George and company practically did a striptease to “Jingle Bell Rock” in their itty-bitty Santa costumes, then you’re a closet santaphiliac.

For anyone who might be a ho (ho ho) for Santa, know that it’s a normal impulse. After all, Santa is the ultimate provider of pleasure—and he doesn’t even ask for anything in return. He just wants you to be a good person. What’s more of a turn-on than that?