On Talking About Abortion and Taking Up the Fight

Here’s one simple fact about abortion: everyone loves someone who’s had one. It’s a very common procedure but because of the way society shames people who choose to end a pregnancy we are often talked about as an abstract concept rather than as people in your own communities, friend circles and families. I popularized the phrase “Everyone loves someone who had an abortion” because those of us who have are often told we’re unworthy of love, sex, and pleasure. We hear it from politicians, loved ones and our communities. Sometimes those deprecating messages, or lack of defense from them, come from the very people we have sex with. We can and should expect more.

Many men don’t really think about abortion unless scrolling through the headlines of unrelenting restrictions or when a partner is considering their own pregnancy termination. Some well-meaning men simply don’t know if they have a role when it comes to advancing reproductive rights. The truth is, we’re all involved in the fight because every man loves someone who had an abortion, whether you know it or not. Considering that one in four women will have an abortion in their lifetime (unfortunately, we do not have research to identify the number of trans men and nonbinary people who have abortions even though their stories can be learned from), a similar number of men play a part in the experience. Whether it’s as a supportive lover, friend, brother, father—or not—is all in how you show up.

Like any time someone shares something personal, being honest and supportive is the best policy. When that sharing is related to an issue loaded with stigma, being at least somewhat prepared can be key.

First, actually taking time to listen to their story—uninterrupted—asking what they need and practicing empathy can do a lot of good. Rather than rushing to share your thoughts or what you think they should do, just listen and affirm their decision. Leave the complicated questions for your therapist. While the public hasn’t seen a lot of modeling of this behavior, there are now a few portrayals on television that get at the complexity men can feel around abortion. Shows like Sex Education and Grey’s Anatomy depict characters working through their questions and emotions in a healthy way.

Know it’s okay to not know the perfect thing to say to someone who wants or has had an abortion. Because so much has already been said about the topic, thinking ahead about what you might say is a good idea. Have you let go of stereotypes you might have heard? Are you prepared to be an active listener and be challenged in your assumptions about why people have abortions?

Finally, an even bigger question in this political moment, as legal abortion access hangs on by a thread, is what will men do to help save it? In addition to being prepared to support people who’ve had the procedure, talk to other men in your life about why abortion access is critical to our collective futures. Be better role models of masculinity supporting reproductive freedom. Show up at protests and question your candidates of choice about their stances on abortion. Tell them it is just as critical to your core progressive values as economic equity and investing in technology. While we don’t need you to prove that you’re down for the cause by talking and tweeting over us, we do need you to take a more engaging role in contraception, sexual health education and reproduction.

In recent years, some have even called for men to speak out and share their experiences with abortion or explain how they’ve benefitted from being able to plan their parenthood. While the stories are few and far in between, it’s refreshing to hear from men who are supportive of abortion access. We hear them above a sea of toxic masculinity and slut-shaming happening outside of clinics across the country.

The anti-abortion movement has portrayed men and abortion in polarizing binaries—you’re either angry over lost fatherhood and suing to block abortions or portrayed as sluts who are happy to pay for abortions to further your licentious lifestyle. To be quite honest, this dichotomy is insulting to men; the assumption that support for abortion must be contingent on unwillingness to accept responsibility for your actions implicitly assumes all men have the emotional intelligence of a goldfish. It considers half of society void of the ability to understand complexity, nuance, and unconditional support for another person’s health and future plans. Unfortunately, this argument proliferates. Men, you have to talk about it.

The anti-choice dichotomy assumes that you don’t want to thoughtfully enter parenthood and that those of us who want abortions just need a “strong man”, instead of recognizing that both members of a partnership might want a say in what our futures and families should look like.

The majority of people who have abortions are already parenting. Nearly half of abortions happen inside of a marriage or cohabitating relationship, and a majority were poor and already parenting at the time–many men already know what it means to become a parent. Abortion is largely an economic and parenting decision.

I believe men are fully capable of holding nuance in pregnancy decisions and supporting a partner through them. Of course many of us are weary of men interjecting opinions on abortion–that’s what brought us to this point in the first place!–but we should be clear about what a helpful role men should play. Men have a place in the conversation and you need to talk to each other about it. Don’t let the moment you find out which of your loved ones have had an abortion be the first time you think about what to say or do. Don’t wait until it personally affects you to care. Educate yourself on experiences different from your own. (Recognize, for example, that trans men have abortions too and their experiences are integral of the spectrum of masculinity). Talk to each other about respecting us and our decisions to have abortions—this could even involve supporting a friend as he supports a partner through an abortion. Most of all, we need you to support our decisions, whatever they may be.