From the July 1975 Playboy

Have you ever noticed how hard it is for some women to concentrate on sex? My girlfriend has the opposite of a one-track mind—she can get derailed by noisy neighbors, unfinished chores or the proverbial bread crumbs in bed. Once she loses her momentum, it takes her a while to get started again and, frankly, I can’t always postpone my own pleasure for that long. Is her wandering attention a sign that she is inhibited or that she just isn’t interested?—E.Y., Portland, Oregon

The man who said don’t eat crackers in bed never dated anyone from Georgia, but he did have a point—possibly the same one made by the grim tale “The Princess and the Pea.” Mistresses on mattresses are easily distracted during sex. Psychologists may see the evasive action as an “anxiety-motivated defense” or a “culturally induced inhibition,” but Kinsey suggested that such behavior goes beyond the bedroom: “Cheese crumbs spread in front of a copulating pair of rats may distract the female but not the male.… When cattle are interrupted during coitus, it is the cow that is more likely to be disturbed, while the bull may try to continue with coitus.” Furthermore, female cats have been known to investigate mouse holes during intercourse. (We had a partner who used to do that—damn irritating, but new baseboards broke her of the habit.) Many women rate “privacy and freedom from intrusion” second only to “quality of relationship with partner” as a factor in their sexual satisfaction. Bear that in mind and find an appropriate setting for your next tryst (bank vaults and fallout shelters are great favorites). Also, you may find that if your girlfriend concentrates on something—music or an erotic fantasy—she can “distract the distracter” and mainline on the cannonball express.

Our Advisor Reflects

Omnipresent smartphones, social media, e-mail, internet—we have a lot more to be distracted by today than we did in 1975. Frequently our minds are elsewhere, focused on just about everything besides what we’re actually doing—even when we’re engaging in the most intimate things possible.

Personally, I’ve never noticed a woman’s attention wandering during sex (then again, I’ve slept with only a handful of women). I admit that I’ve occasionally found myself distracted during sex with men—suddenly contemplating the general absurdity of existence, trying not to laugh when my partner makes that weird noise or noticing my six-pound Brussels Griffon staring at me from inches away with judgment in his eyes—but then I’m right back in the moment, absorbed in the throes of passion and racking up orgasms.

What makes one go from fully engaged to sidetracked by the proverbial cheese crumb? I turned to an expert to find out. “If you’re going to have sex, you may as well show up for it. It’s not sufficient for your body to just go through the motions,” says psychologist Lori Brotto, who literally wrote the book on the topic: Better Sex Through Mindfulness. “If it’s not satisfying, it makes sense that you’ll lose interest. It doesn’t mean you’re losing interest in sex. It means you’re losing interest in the sex you’re having.” Ideally, sex is a permeating and immersive experience, with mind and body working in unison. Just as communication is essential to a successful long-term relationship, so too is a figurative dialogue between your brain and body. If one is not engaged, the other will check out too. Plenty of guys worry about how they look mid-thrust, but women are more prone to anxiety than men are and have higher instances of depression and lower rates of desire. It’s no surprise that these issues slip between the sheets in the form of distraction.

How to quell our restless minds, if only for a solid seven minutes? The better you get at compartmentalizing, the better sex you’ll have.

“Science tells us mindfulness is the most powerful way of cultivating sexual desire in people,” says Brotto. In other words, you can meditate your way to better banging. If you or your partner is having trouble being in the moment, pick a time to practice meditation for 10 or 15 minutes every day. Apps like Headspace or Calm can help guide your progress; for the unplugged version, try a meditation class. The important thing is to work toward creating the right mind-set to enjoy and find pleasure in sex as it’s taking place.

Still worried your partner may have lost interest in you? Begin a conversation with her and talk it out. This is a chance to examine your relationship, in bed and as a whole. Just as in 1975, studies still show that relationship quality has a major impact on a woman’s sexual function, and in solid relationships, people talk. They talk about sex, from favorite fantasies to potential fetishes to specific proclivities and preferences. (Could you write a thesis on her orgasms? If not, do your research. Thoroughly.) They also talk about everything else, including banal things such as who does what housework. If a happy relationship is the ultimate goal, perhaps you should take it upon yourself to tell the neighbors to keep it down. Better yet, help out more with those chores. She’s picking up on your energy as much as you’re noticing hers, so make an effort to set the right tone and be as attentive as possible. Now that’s advice to last the ages.