Sexuality in Conversation

Debunking the Myth of "Accidental" Anal

Behind lying about dick size (once after asking a man how big he was, he told me “between 7 and 9 inches depending on how hard I am,” to which I responded, “What kinda Comcast arrival time bullshit is that?”) and how long they last, one of the biggest lies men tell when recounting sexual encounters to other men is that they were fucking someone doggy-style, accidentally (and seamlessly) slipped it into their partner’s butt, and kept fucking.

As a bona fide “power bottom” and “anal monster,” I’m here to tell you this “accident” that’s been retold in high school locker rooms since the dawn of time is impossible.

One of the worst parts of porn is that it reinforces harmful stigmas. Sex in porn is to real sex what the WWE is to wrestling in the Olympics. The motions are similar, but one is purely for entertainment while the other requires a whole other set of athletic skills. Besides showing women coming in 12 seconds without clitoral stimulation (it obviously takes much longer and only 20 percent of women can orgasm from penetration alone anyway), porn perpetuates the idea that all women can take it in the butt as easily as they can take off their bra.

Just as you don’t see a fluffer keep a male performer hard between takes, you don’t see the behind-the-scenes action that enables women to have anal on camera. Penetrating an anus requires a ton of silicone-based lube and a very slow pace. If you want to have anal with your partner, you should enter her an inch, stop, and let her take a breath. You repeat this process as many times as necessary—starting and stopping and breathing—until you’re fully inside her. The initial penetration is the most uncomfortable part, but after that it’s fine.

Porn sometimes doesn’t show the initial penetration part. And if the penetration is captured on film, sometimes the initial penetration has already happened off-camera, making the person more relaxed so she can take the dick easier. Other times, the aid of a substance is used to relax the person. There is a reason poppers (inhalants) are so popular in the LGBT community—even for people who take a dick in the ass often, it’s still difficult to do. And because our sphincters snap back to their usual shape after sex, it never gets easier.

Unless your girl keeps a log of her bowel movements and shares it with you via Google Doc, anal should never be a “surprise.”

“But the chick in porn has a gaping asshole!” you may be thinking. And that’s true—but gaping assholes are the result of prolonged periods of anal penetration via a toy or penis, so, again, you didn’t see the prep.

Unless your partner recently had an X-Men type incident where she discovered her body had a previously unknown power that enables her to sit on a parking cone with no discomfort whatsoever, there’s no way you can just “slip it in.”

If you don’t give your girl a chance to prep, your dick will be chocolate-dipped, like a cone at Mr. Softie (which, now that I think of it, may turn your dick into Mr. Softie). But unless your girl keeps a log of her bowel movements and shares it with you via Google Doc, anal should never be a “surprise.” The function of the anus is to expel excrement. Pretending that it doesn’t, that it’s solely a sexual organ, is going to result in a big wake-up call. If your person had a bowel movement that morning, you’re usually in the clear, but some women anally douche, which is as unpleasant as it sounds, and why when I want to have anal, I pray for my body to clear itself without my intervention.

Another reason you can’t just slip it in is unlike the vaginal canal, there is no natural lubrication in the anus. Trying to fuck a butt without lube is like expecting to slide down a water slide built on the farm from The Grapes of Wrath. It’s not going to happen and, much, much worse—you are going to hurt your partner.

If you’ve tried to have accidental anal—and I’m sure many have—don’t you dare try it again because it is assault.

I once had a one-night stand with a partner who told me he enjoyed pegging in the past. Halfway into the sexual encounter, I consented to anal, and my partner made two cardinal mistakes: He thought spit was enough for lube, and he didn’t warn me when he started to try to enter me. I screeched and spun around, demanding what the fuck he thought he was doing. He was stymied because I had consented, but then I asked if he, someone who’s been pegged, had ever had a partner try to fuck him without lube. He said no. I then asked if he’d ever had a partner who didn’t tell him when they were going to enter him or allow him to dictate when and how slowly he’d been penetrated. He said no.

“Then why on earth would you think my body would be different from yours?” I demanded. He said he didn’t know.

This is why accidental anal is a myth.

If you’ve tried to have accidental anal—and I’m sure many have—don’t you dare try it again because it is assault. Anally penetrating your partner requires emphatic consent (not a “maybe”), a conversation about respecting boundaries (anal is an activity that many women have to work up to—you and your partner will most likely not nail it on the first try, and she will most likely ask you to stop), increased communication, patience, and a whole lot of trust.

Lastly, there are women out there who do want to have anal. Unfortunately, another lie spread by porn is that anal is incredibly pleasurable solely on its own. Because women don’t have a prostate, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Anal feels amazing when combined with clitoral stimulation, and given the limitations on which positions you can have anal in, it’s best for your partner to utilize a toy in this situation. Gift your lady friend a bullet vibrator if she doesn’t already have one, and make a plan to have anal instead of ever “winging it.”

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