It’s Short King Summer

We saw short kings everywhere this summer. Tom Holland handsomely standing beside Zendaya in heels. Matt Damon needing less rope to tie him to the mast in The Odyssey, straining against it just as hard. It’s Short King Summer, and we’re witnessing the rise of the short man.

Every article written about short kings this summer argues from data or virtue. Economists found that for a 5’6″ man to get the same attention on dating apps as a 6′ man, he needs to earn $175,000 more a year. That’s fucked up. I also don’t believe it. The women’s magazines will tell you short men plan better dates, short men try harder, short men have lovely personalities. Fine. Let me argue for the body instead of the virtue.

I’ve never been a height queen. I’m 5’6″ and I love kissing somebody whose eyes meet mine. Eyeball to eyeball. His mouth arrives at my mouth without either of us solving anything. Nobody’s neck is negotiating. Nobody’s spine is doing charity work. When he pulls back an inch to look at me, he’s actually looking at me, not down at my hair part. I could press my eyeball against his eyeball. I haven’t, but the option is there. That’s intimacy.

A man who is exactly your size makes the sex crazy. Maybe you feel less challenged. Maybe you’re more relaxed with somebody you could actually take in a fight. Maybe you want to fight him a little. I don’t know your thing. A body that matches yours is a body you can be fearless with. Hip against hip, every part of him lands on the corresponding part of you, like closing a book.

I’ve always considered women who laugh at short men, or would never date one, akin to the man who won’t date a woman without large breasts or a large ass. Same shallow math, different body part. He’s ruling out every perky A cup who would have ruined his life in the best way, and she’s ruling out every 5’7″ man who would have done the same.

I’ve fucked a 5’6″ man with the same penis as a 6’3″ man. Identical. Same weight in the hand. So it isn’t THAT. Height is not a preview. You’re pricing an inch you’ll never see once he’s lying down.

I was recently with a man who is 6’5″ who told me all he wanted to do was oral, on me. That’s it. And I thought, oh my god. All I’m going to see is your head between my legs. You may as well be four inches tall instead of 6’5″ , because all I’m seeing is your forehead and your eyeballs.

I have been with an NBA player. One. Singular. 6’8″ or more, I don’t actually know. His body moved slower from limbs being actually giant. It was interesting only in the way that his bed was custom and $45,000 and there was a lot of it.

Surveys say women want a man eight inches taller. Women say they want to feel protected. But smaller guys are like ants. Ants carry fifty times their body weight. He can pick you up. He can pin you. He might be better at it, because he’s been proving things his whole life.

They’re all four inches tall when they’re eating your pussy anyhow.