Charles Deluvio

Sexuality in Conversation

In Defense of the Size Queen

Size doesn’t matter—well, at least not to everyone. But that’s definitely not the case for the size queen: the men (the term “size queen” is rumored to have been introduced by the gay community) and women who prefer sex with men who boast sizable appendages south of the border. Despite the abrasive cultural association, there is nothing wrong with being a size queen. Liking a big ol’ dick is simply a preference, not unlike being attracted to tall men. Yet, for some reason, those who identify as size queens are criticized. Guys who like big boobs on the other hand? Not so much.

“The most obvious reason size queens are judged but men with parallel preferences of women's bodies are not is tied to sexism, but more specifically, heterosexism,” Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals, sociologist and author, tells Playboy. “Self-described ‘ass men’ might get an eye-roll response, but that's generally the extent of it. We still live in a world that polices women's sexualities differently and more harshly than men's. This is why we see this response pattern, at least in part.”

The snide commentary rolls in heavy and hard. “What I hear all the time is the myth that I'm going to get ‘stretched out’ from taking penises (or objects) that are too big or wide,” Bex Caputo, sex educator and self-professed size queen, tells Playboy. “The vagina and anus are muscles. They're designed to stretch and come back to their normal size. A person who does the splits isn't going to have permanently stretched legs, and I'm not going to have permanently stretched holes.” After speaking with several proud size queens, they unanimously agree this rumor is one of the more prevalent judgements they encounter, surpassed only by general slut-shaming antics.

Dr. Jenni, relationship expert and resident sexologist at, confirms it: A big penis will not permanently stretch the vagina, so let’s toss that notion straight out the window. “A large penis, toy, or even fist, does not stretch out the vagina or anus,” she tells Playboy. “Consistent contact with said regions allows for the muscles in the vagina and anus/rectum to relax and therefore be more capable of penetration of all sizes. This can seem like a less ‘tight’ effect, but in actuality the size queen may be a more seasoned receiver with strong pelvic floor muscles that are good at both contraction and relaxation.”
Self-described ‘ass men’ might get an eye-roll response, but that's generally the extent of it. We still live in a world that polices women's sexualities differently and more harshly than men's.
The reason we equate big penises with promiscuity is we seem to socially slut-shame anyone who takes control of their sexual agency—something we should regard as positive. For gay men, sexual expression has been evaluated against heteronormative expression and shamed endlessly, size queens included. For heterosexual women who make a finer point of penis size preferences, they too certainly are evaluated against perceived heteronormative norms. Perceived norms are often not correspondent with actual behavior.

Besides, bigger penises have always been valued. This is nothing new. “One need to only look as far as Tom of Finland (which is a pretty mainstream and contemporary example, sure, and is the first thing that comes to my mind) to see the links between erotica and media and art and masculinity and large penises,” Tibbals shares.

For some, the preference reads as shallow. “I imagine size queens are judged harshly because of the manner in which they are doing partner selection,” Dr. Jenny offers. “Size queens get stereotyped for choosing partners solely on their genital size, at the exclusion of everything else. Even on dating apps, size queens will name this a requirement. The message becomes that it almost doesn’t matter about the person so long as the penis is large, and thus makes the size queen seem superficial, or at least judged as so per the stereotype.”

For Bex, his preference is about feeling accomplished. Being able to take something so large takes effort and feels like he's conquered a difficult challenge. “I also physically like the feeling of fullness,” he adds. “A smaller dick will give more focused attention to the G-spot or A-spot, while a bigger dick gives a broader sensation that I really enjoy.”

For adult actress, size queen and alpha female, Sofia Rose, it’s rare for her to feel beta to a man and a thick veiny member better establishes her role as a submissive. “Knowing a man is truly able to handle me, gives me a heightened sense of pleasure during all aspects of sex.”

If science is any indicator, research has deemed time and time again that the average penis measures just over five inches. So technically, anything over that figure would point to a man having a bigger penis. A number I personally hear cited often as big is eight inches. To adult actress Roxie Ray, eight is her minimum. “For me personally, a larger penis is more aesthetically attractive and leaves me with no doubt that I will be sexually satisfied,” she says. “Of course, there are other ways to satisfy a woman, but with heterosexual intimacy I would say bigger is always better. “
Tibbals admits there are anatomical reasons some women prefer penises that are of a certain size. Vaginas, like penises, come in all shapes and sizes, after all. Size queens may simply require a larger penis for a better fit. “All bodies are shaped in unique ways, meaning that some penises may just fit right—be they larger, thicker, longer, smaller, average, etc. but perception of size is relative,” she says. “Yes, there are certainly measurements people can take (inches, average sizes, yadda, yadda, yadda), perception cannot be discounted.” In other words: What feels and seems large to one person may be too large to another, one person’s size queen may be another person’s average cock.

Of course, a big reason size queens are judged is because it makes men feel insecure about their own equipment. But we never consider the manipulation of penis size and scale via media presentation. (I’m talking porn, guys.) Tibbals uses actors’ height as an example: Tom Cruise and Kit Harington (John Snow in Game of Thrones) may look like giant action stars on screen, but the internet says otherwise. Cruise is 5’ 7” and Harington is 5’ 8”—and there’s even speculation about both those figures being exaggerated. The same goes with media penises. “Depending on who a penis is attached to and/or presented near, size may look relatively different,” she shares. “So, when one watches media and thinks they are eroticizing a large cock, what they may instead be eroticizing is something that’s closer to average. It’s context dependent.”

That doesn’t mean a size queen won’t engage with a smaller cock. Each of the individuals I spoke with said that they would absolutely have sex with a man whose downstairs would be considered average. A smaller penis is rarely a deal-breaker. For Roxie, it’s all about her relationship with the guy. “If it’s just sex, then yes, I’d probably only sleep with a big dick dude,” she says. “But not if it is someone where there is a potential future. I have had a variety of partners, big and small. Forgive my pun, but it's the full package of the person that matters when it comes to an actual relationship, not just size alone.”

Everybody has their type. For size queens, a bigger penis is a preferred attribute like a nice butt or gainful employment. Most agree girth is more important than length and that their predilection was in some way influenced by pornography, not unlike other attributes—blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs—have been influenced by Hollywood. So, let’s stop demonizing the size queens. A lot of women can’t handle a big dick, and the size queens are giving hung men the ride of their lives.

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