Your bag is empty.
If Match’s Singles in America study last month reaffirmed a particular theme in modern dating, it’s that everyone is seeking a sense of security. But the question remains the same: At what expense?
In a press release for the survey, which was conducted in partnership with The Kinsey Institute, Match highlighted that “when asked to choose what matters more in a relationship, singles are more than twice as likely to prioritize peace and emotional safety over passion and excitement (34 percent vs. 14 percent).” Among women, the gap was wider: 40 percent vs. 9 percent.
In Playboy’s own 2026 Gen Z Sex Survey, we found that young adults continue to be a risk-averse generation, fearful of rejection and plagued with social anxiety. Economic instability and housing insecurities have not only made sex and dating even more of a hurdle, but represent yet another form of risk and anxiousness. If you’re already lacking a sense of peace and security elsewhere, then it might make sense to choose a sense of peace and security over passion and excitement in romance.
Dr. Amanda Gesselman, a senior research scientist at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, says that the preference for peace might ultimately be beneficial to most people.
“I don’t see this emphasis on peace as a detriment,” she says. “Putting more emphasis on peace and emotional security over passion could be a good thing for relationship quality. It means people are paying more attention to a partner’s consistency, responsiveness, respect, and emotional availability, all of which are associated with long-term relationship satisfaction.”
Gesselman notes how research shows that feeling understood, validated and cared for by a partner increases feelings of sexual desire, especially in women. “By prioritizing peace and emotional safety in their partners, people—and women in particular—may in turn be setting themselves up for more sexually satisfying and passionate relationships down the line,” she says.
But I still have to wonder whether this prioritization of peace and security comes with its own set of consequences. Is everyone so burnt out from stress that they can’t enjoy the thrill of sex and romance? Or have we simply turned it all into a wellness practice, another thing to optimize and make frictionless? Either way, we may be losing touch with something crucial: eroticism.
As psychotherapist Esther Perel noted last year, “Eroticism isn’t sex; it’s sexuality transformed by the human imagination. It’s the thoughts, dreams, anticipation, unruly impulses, and even painful memories which make up our vast erotic landscapes.” Elsewhere, she has said that “it is about how people connect to this quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of vitality, of renewal.”
Eroticism, by this measure, is a crucial life force—an energy that invigorates our entire lives. But in its nature, eroticism is volatile. It requires vulnerability, and therefore, risk. To orient ourselves toward peace and security alone may then wall us off from some of that risk required to enjoy the erotic.
Even so, some women believe it’s worth the trade.
“I think that the world is more than a little crazy right now, especially for women who intersect into other minority groups, and we want just one place where we don’t have to fight the world,” says Alina, 30, a photographer in Chicago who is happily single. “Women are often told that we should be a man’s peace in the world. A lot of us want peace of our own.”
Perhaps a better question than why people are choosing peace over passion is why we view the two as incompatible. As the research suggests, emotional safety can coexist with sexual desire. Yet, the current sexual climate is so antagonistic and divisive for some that we have become incapable of distinguishing passion from stress, and too risk-averse to sort it out for ourselves.
Eroticism can be found without chaos and instability. But particularly for the younger generation, for whom vulnerability is already top of mind, a little passion might actually do us some good.
